Things That Rock, Things That Suck

[katallison]

Of the Rocking Things, today's Rockingest was coming home and finding in my mailbox the BEEEYOOOTIFUL necklace that I purchased from the Etsy store of one mrsronweasley. Oh my god, people, it's just gorgeous, and I will take and post a photo or two at some point soon.

But not this evening, because this evening is dedicated to Intensive Wine Intake, on account of

OK, so, can I just say first of all that TD Ameritrade can BURN IN THE RED-HOT FIERY HELLS OF DEEP DEEP FAILING. TD Ameritrade being the financial outfit which (for reasons far too complicated and tedious to go into) had been the repository for the wad o' cash I'm using as down payment for the house purchase.

Now, I take some responsibility for my own allotment of Fail, here -- due to deep-seated psychotic anxiety on the whole topic of money, I had dragged my feet on launching the series of steps needed to extricate my wad o' cash from Ameritrade's feckless grasp (steps which, in my own defense, I must say were very fucking poorly and confusingly described on Ameritrade's website). But, having been told weeks ago that the closing on my house would be on the 16th, I faxed off to Ameritrade last Friday a request to have my account closed, and the entire amount sent to me in a check VIA OVERNIGHT MAIL. (Why not electronic transfer? I hear you ask, and the reason is -- their website [INACCURATELY] told me that the particular kind of account I had and was closing had to be distributed by check and could not be distributed by electronic transfer.)

Had the check actually been drawn and sent out VIA OVERNIGHT MAIL as I CLEARLY REQUESTED IN THE FORM, it would have arrived on Wednesday, and all would have been well.

Instead of which -- [dim the lights, raise the curtain, and: Welcome to Homebuying Drama!]

ACT I

Scene: Wednesday morning, Kat at computer, opens up e-mail, and finds a form letter from Ameritrade saying "Blah blah lalala your check was sent by US mail blah blah."

Kat: [dialing dialing dialing] [wading through Ameritrade's fucking annoying voice menu (for the first of oh, so many times to come)]

Blase Guy [when finally human voice is reached]: Soooo, what can we do for you?

Me: Hi, I'd asked for my account to be closed and the funds sent to me by overnight mail, but the e-mail I got said it went US mail. Can you check and confirm that it was sent overnight?

B.G. Uhhh . . . yeah, uh, I guess, hang on . . .

[five minute interlude of Light Classics For Anxious People On Hold]

B.G. Hello? Yeah, uh, so, I can't get through to [whoever the hell would actually KNOW something], but it looks like it was probably sent overnight.

Me: Are you SURE?

B.G. Yeah, uh . . . [firming up his voice, almost audibly squaring his chin] I really think so, ma'am.

Me: Ohhhhhhh-kay.

ENTR'ACTE

[Dream-ballet scene in which Kat returns from work, sprints to her mailbox, flings it open, and finds it -- empty, and wholly devoid of overnight-mailed check, upon which Kat spins, twirls, flings stuff, spews curses, drops to ground sobbing]

ACT II, Scene i

Oh, hell, the summary of this one is, Kat calls Ameritrade and is told it's after hours and nobody can tell nothing about no overnight mailing, call back in the morning.

ACT II, Scene ii

[The Next Morning]

Kat: [dialing dialing dialing] [wading through Ameritrade's fucking annoying voice menu]

Chipper-Sounding Guy: Hi ma'am! What can I do for you?

Kat: [explains dilemma] So can you check and see HOW the check was sent out?

C-S.G.: Sure thing, ma'am! Hang on!

[five minute interlude of Light Classics For Anxious People On Hold]

C-S.G. [a trifle less chipper] Yeah, ma'am, well -- that did actually go out Tuesday by, ah, regular mail.

Kat: [after deep breathing, in a modulated tone of voice} Well then. So it should get here -- maybe by Friday? Saturday?

C-S.G: [enthusiastically] Oh yes indeed, ma'am, you could expect it by then.

Kat: Well -- I guess that should work out. See, I've got a closing next Wednesday, and I need the money for that.

C-S.G: [well-nigh quivering with optimism] Oh for sure, ma'am! You should have it in plenty of time!

Kat: [clicks out, with a gnawing sense of foreboding]

INTERMISSION

OK, it's intermission, and -- time for a poll!

[Poll #1456407]

Let me just drop a hint that ANSWER #1 IS WHAT ANY SANE PERSON WOULD EXPECT. Which of course means that Answer #2 is what actually appears to be the case in my own personal closing, as I discovered sometime after my first rounds with Ameritrade.

Had the "closing," with its salient element of the handing over of the big check, actually turned out to be scheduled for Wednesday 9/16 instead of Monday 9/14, I could have coped with the Ameritrade check coming by regular mail.

Instead of which, I chose the always-popular option of FREAK THE FUCK OUT.

So, with intermission over, we turn to:

ACT III, Scene i
[Thursday night, after getting the message that the big-check-handing-over portion of the closing is actually scheduled for MONDAY]

Kat: [dialing dialing dialing] [wading through Ameritrade's fucking annoying voice menu]

Bored-Sounding Guy: Hi, howcanIhelpyou.

Kat: [explains whole goddamned situation, in a quavering voice] And so -- I know you don't usually do this, but is there ANY way I can have the money electronically transferred?

B-S.G.: [slightly incredulous] Well, sure. Of course you can.

Kat: But -- on your website! It says funds from [this type of account] can't be electronically transferred!

B-S.G.: Huh. I dunno why it would say that.

Kat: [given renewed hope] OK! Let's do this! I guess you'd need to put a stop order on the check, and then can I get the wire transfer going right away?

B-S.G.: Uh, nuh, they've all gone home, but I can ... I guess I could ask them to put a rush on this one tomorrow, or something. They need to process the stop order first, though. Call back in the morning.

ACT III Scene ii
[Friday morning. Kat, having determined that the Ameritrade office is in Lincoln, Nebraska, and hence on Central Time, arises at 5:30, caffeinates, and phones in RIGHT the hell at 6 a.m./8 a.m. Ameritrade time]

Kat: [dialing dialing dialing] [wading through Ameritrade's fucking annoying voice menu for what feels like the BAJILLIONTH TIME]

Alert-Sounding Guy: [blah blah whatever welcoming message I wasn't awake]

Kat: [explains the entire bloody scenario AGAIN] So, can you check that the stop order has been DONE, and get the wire transfer going RIGHT AWAY?

A-S.G.: Yeah, hang on.

[today's musical interlude is Bossa Nova for You Hep Cats with No Financial Stress No Siree]

A-S.G.: OK! I can confirm that the stop order is being processed -- now what you need to do is re-fax the disbursement request with the bank info on it for the electronic transfer, because we need that.

Kat: Jeez, WHY didn't the guy I talked to yesterday tell me to do that??

[::crickets::]

Kat: OK, I'll get that faxed right now. Please just tell me one thing -- I really really need this money to be transferred today, because I need to draw a cashier's check on it MONDAY for a closing. Will this transfer happen today?

A-S.G.: Oh, I'm sure it will! Nothing to worry about, ma'am.

Kat: [hangs up with a sense of foreboding that has gone beyond gnawing and into ACID REFLUX]

ACT III Scene iii
[Friday early afternoon. Kat, after several crazed hours of meetings, orientation-schedule revamps, and other things related to WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING BESIDES TALK TO AMERITRADE, gets back to office, checks online bank account, and sees that -- funds have not yet come in.]

Kat: {dialing dialing dialing] [oh you know how this goes]

For Once, Reasonably Clueful-Sounding Guy THANK GOD: Hi, how can I help you?

Kat: [explains the entire sordid tale YET AGAIN] So -- will the electronic transfer actually go through today, AS I WAS PROMISED?

FO,RC-SGTG: Um. [pause for checking stuff] Actually, ma'am, that will be deposited in your bank account on Monday.

Kat: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. [Yeah, I said it. I'm neither proud nor ashamed.] I have GOT to have this in my account so I can draw a cashier's check against it so I can go to the closing at 1:00 on Monday!

FO,RC-SGTG: You know what, we've messed up TWICE on this. I'm really sorry. [FIRST TIME THOSE WORDS HAD BEEN UTTERED BY ANYONE THROUGH THIS ENTIRE SORDID SAGA I MIGHT SAY.] Here's what I'll do, I'm going to put a note on this to have the transfer moved to the top of the queue and expedited first thing Monday morning. And then I'm going to give you my direct line, and you call me at 8:00 Monday and as many times after that as you need to verify that this transfer is going through in time for you, and I'll do whatever needs to be done to make this happen. And I'm really sorry. [ANOTHER ACTUAL APOLOGY OH FO,RC-SGTG I MAY FLY OUT TO LINCOLN, NEBRASKA AND MARRY YOU.] [Although if the transfer DOESN'T come through in time on Monday, I'm sorry, I'll have to kill you and everyone else at Ameritrade. Nothing personal, you understand.]


So -- we'll see how this one sorts out. And in the meantime, I am admiring the HELL out of my beautiful new necklace (and hitting the wine hard, because the alternative is FLYING TO LINCOLN, NEBRASKA AND THROTTLING EVERYONE AT TD AMERITRADE).

Comments

[spuffyduds.livejournal.com]

Oh my GOD, the fact that you have not SHATTERED INTO A MILLION SOBBING PIECES is proof of astonishing fortitude. That is a horrible, horrible saga.

*crosses fingers that Final Guy is genuinely clueful*

[minim_calibre]

House buying is HELL.

SO FREAKING STRESSFUL AND EVIL AND ARGH!

[brooklinegirl.livejournal.com]

...oh my GOD. YES. THIS. You just described every thing that happened in my portion of SELLING the house. the ASSURANCES that yes, everything was fine, everything was signed, no, there were NO PROBLEMS, no, I didn't need to CALL anyone, JEEZ, why was I so stressed, I mean - OH MY GOD CALL THIS PERSON RIGHT NOW WE NEED THIS SIGNED AND DATED AND THE CASH IN HAND BY LAST WEDNESDAY WHY DID YOU NOT DO THIS ALREADY.

I swear to fucking god, they do this just so they know you're healthy enough to survive the adrenaline and not DROP DEAD at the actual closing.

GAH. FINGERS CROSSED that all goes well from HERE ON IN, and yay for necklace, and WINE!

[codyne]

Well, that is extremely frustrating. But, speaking as someone who's bought several houses and condos, it won't be the end of the world if your money doesn't come through on time. Nobody wants to take your house away from you over a delay of a couple of days in closing. Just explain the situation and reschedule the meeting and everything will be fine.

Of course, I hope the money does arrive Monday morning as promised!

[panisdead.livejournal.com]

GOOD GOD. And GOOD LUCK.

[lapillus]

{{{{{}}}}}

Sounds absolutely miserable. Admiring the shiny new ornament is DEFINITELY a fine plan until this is all sorted out.

[blacksquirrel.livejournal.com]

{hugs} and I get freaked out at the end of every month watching my check be deposited while waiting for my rent to be cashed, but this is that drama x1,000.

More {hugs} and here's hoping that you can do something this weekend to take your mind off of it!

[umbo.livejournal.com]

What a nightmare.

*tons of hugs*

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

Agh. The dark underbelly of homeowning.

The only reason my coop purchase went through was because I hired a real estate lawyer who specializes in that, and yes, paid him a handsome sum, and he led me by the hand step by step, and sat there with me at the closing handing me papers to sign and getting papers and checks and stuff back and forth between me and the seller and the seller's lawyer. It was all a blur, I must say, though oddly the mortgage process was comparatively simple. Even with him guiding me like an Alsation guide dog, I still had big moment of "whuh?" along the way.

In brief: hang in there. Screw TD Ameritrade and Sam Waterston for doing ads for them.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

If you ever need to hear other escrow and closing horror stories, to convince you that you are not alone, I have a doozy to share with you, courtesy of our recent house-buying extravaganza. But until then, I will just share with you something I learned from that: the closing date is not set in blood. If there's a disaster, your Realtor can call the other party's Realtor and say, "Look, Ameritrade are fuck-ups who have fucked up." And provided the other party is not interested in going through the hell of re-listing and so on (this does not work so well if the market is going up sharply, FYI), then what will happen is you will amend the closing agreement and close in a week or so.

Or, in our case, you will amend the closing agreement FIFTEEN TIMES and close in two months. But, right, you didn't want to hear about that. (For the record, that won't happen to you; our fuck-up was orchestrated by many, all working overtime for nothing except the sheer beauty of fucking up really, really badly. A delayed check will be fine.)

I send you the greatest of sympathy in your time of real estate travail, and I promise you, eventually it does end. And then you have a house!

[mimesere.livejournal.com]

*hugs you lots*

If it makes you feel better, my first homebuying (condo buying, but it is a mortgage!) experience went something along the lines of:

Me: "Okay! So closing is next week, we have the check ready, everything is good to go right?"
Real Estate Lady/Document Coordinator: "Well...."
Me: "Because [The Boy] has given notice on his place and we really need--"
Real Estate Lady: "They lost the title."
Me: "...i'm sorry, what?"
Real Estate Lady: "Well, it looks like the title is actually in the wrong name and was never transferred to the bank who is now selling--"
Me: "I'm sorry, WHAT?"
Real Estate Lady: "I'm going to call them right now."
Me: "So, I'm going to ignore the part where this was a 30 day escrow with a WHOLE MONTH to figure this out, but apparently we only found out about the title the week before, but how long is this going to take? For reals."
Real Estate Lady: "Oh, a few days. We'll just extend closing by a week or so, it'll be fine."

[a week later]

Me: "WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT COULD TAKE SIX MONTHS?"

Two months later we moved in! Yay!

[mlyn.livejournal.com]

*hugs you tight* Sounds like you've got a winner there at the end. I hope it works out for you.

[ratcreature]

Yikes, this gives me anxiety attacks by proxy! Good luck that it'll all work out.

[kassrachel.livejournal.com]

Oh, honey, what an unbelievable pain in the ass!

[chickwriter.livejournal.com]

Oh, honey, OUCH for the angst!! ::crosses fingers, lights candles, sacrifices bunnies for you::

[akite.livejournal.com]

I chose option #2 on your poll because, even though, #1 was the way it should go, the way people are these days #2 is more likely. I was told the wrong day for my closing too, and then I got there, signed all the papers only to find out that my insurance agent never sent the mortgage broker a certificate of insurance. The broker went out and bought insurance for my house without my knowledge or consent. I wanted to throttle people that day for sure. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you that everything goes smoothly on Monday.

[heresluck]

That is just AWFUL. (And I am giving thanks retroactively that my own home-buying was so sane and low-stress, relatively speaking.) But you seem to have finally found a sane, sympathetic, competent ally, for which I'm grateful.

(eeee! house!)

[the-shoshanna.livejournal.com]

JFC indeed! I devoutly hope that Reasonably Clueful-Sounding Guy comes through. And in the meantime, I advise you to listen to the people telling you that if he doesn't, it'll all be okay. And I'll be thinking of you on Monday!

[mrsronweasley.livejournal.com]

Oh my God, that fucking SUCKS. People are fucking HORRIBLE sometimes, and I'm so glad that you finally got through to a reasonable and awesome person, and oh my God, GOOD LUCK ON MONDAY. I HOPE THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO SPEND TIME KILLING ANYBODY, and can FINALLY DO THE CLOSING ON YOUR HOUSE. *buzzes*

(Also, you're totally posting pictures of the house, right? When everything is said and done? :D)

Also: YAY! You got it! I'm so glad you like it! I would DEFINITELY love to see pictures. I'm selfish like that. ♥ (Seriously, aren't those red beads STUNNING? I love them, kind of a lot. It's a bit pathetic. :P)

[laurashapiro.livejournal.com]

Jesus jumping Christ on a bus. :o

You've actually had far more patience than I would have, at this point. I really hope FO,C-SGTG comes through for you, because this is just bullshit of the highest order.

::sends fervent good vibes::

[thisisbone.livejournal.com]

All will be well. As several people have said, pushing a closing by a couple of days isn't a huge deal -- you'll sign something and so will the sellers, if necessary, and it'll be okay. Trust me, as a recent seller, we would have done just about anything not to lose the sale this close to closing. I didn't begin to believe it would really happen until I called the electric/gas company the night before to be sure the buyers had transferred service into their name: I figured if they had done that, then they were planning to follow through and close.

My pet theory is that financial companies are clinging to the cash they have and making it as difficult as possible for people to get it out of their clutches. They don't really want you to buy that house and put your nest egg into it. They like having it to do evil things with.

Enjoy the fair. :)