Is it wrong of me to keep hoping that it was a crazy-ass accident?--I mean, god knows HST used to fire his fucking guns in the house, so yeah, I'm not surprised that he'd off himself (talk about wildly dangerous ways--hell, firing guns or riding motorcyles or OD or whatever)--but what's upsetting me is the idea that me might have done it deliberately. Even so, there's now rumors that he might have done it for health related reasons-he was, apparently, occasionally using a wheelchair--and that makes me feel better, too. What scared the fuck out of me is that he might have actually have taken a cold, hard look around at our decent into facism and said, "Fuck it," as the only rational/ethical decision. That's what's keeping me up at nights. And also, if we are actually descending into fascism, I don't want to go alone, how am I going to go there without HST and people like him by my side? Plus, how will I live without his sentences? HST is a guy I would have fucked for the sexiness of his syntax alone.

Sigh.