(no subject)

[katallison]

I feel like a jerk for not replying to all the kind and encouraging comments to my previous posting, but--um. This is a cheap excuse, but the Wellbutrin is doing something quite odd to my brain, unlike any antidepressant I've been on before. While I'm still having total success with the not-smoking, my mood is all over the place, and I simply cannot get focused and quiet enough inwardly to do anything. Feeling edgy, restless, and irritable -- it's like the psychological equivalent of having a bad rash, or clothes that don't fit right, or having a staticky transistor radio not quite tuned in to a station that's playing heavy metal all the time, very loudly, right in one's ear when one's trying to think.

And then there's The Rage, which is on a very fragile tether and comes roaring to life at unpredictable intervals. Yesterday evening I had two bags of groceries I was trying to get out of the car, while standing in the slush, and my purse kept slipping off my shoulder and banging against things, and then one of the handles on one of the grocery bags tore loose, and I had to SLAM! THE CAR DOOR! OVER AND OVER! HARD! at least a half-dozen times, because otherwise I'd have started screaming, and maybe killing people. I *really* should get back into kickboxing, because I want to hit things, very hard; just thinking about it makes my muscles quiver with anticipation. (I should also probably talk to the doctor about dosages, and how soon I can taper off this stuff.) (And of course it might not be the meds at all, or not entirely, but rather detoxing from nicotine.)

God, this is the most boring update in the history of boringness, isn't it? I'll be back, and (I trust) more interesting, as soon as I've got my brain whacked back into shape.

Comments

Working out

[kassrachel.livejournal.com]

Oooh. Kickboxing: that sounds fantastic. E and I used to study Isshin-Ryu karate, and stopped about five years ago for a series of complicated reasons (including the fact that our sensei had moved 2 hours away) but there are definitely days when I miss it.

I tend to work this kind of shit out by putting Bob Mould on my walkman, really loud, and doing my standard gym workout, which is pretty pitiful by actual gym standards but is still enough to wring me out.

[minette.livejournal.com]

It might be the nicotine withdrawal thingy because my mom went through the same thing when she took Zyban and stopped smoking entirely. She had no urge to smoke, but she was irritable and cranky for quite some time. It tapered off eventually, but she went through a rough spot for a few months.

The Rage

[tazlet.livejournal.com]

Springsteen: Darkness On The Edge of Town--loudly--so you have to dance. I don't know how long you've been taking the Wellbutrin but give it at least 2 weeks. You don't need me reminding you that you're loosing the calming effect of the nicotine as well as a soothing ritual. Kickboxing--good. Reciting the 'Charge of the Light Brigade' at the top of you lungs--also good.

[lunaris1013.livejournal.com]

Y'know, you just described my experience with taking Prozac with your Wellbutrin experience. Not the rage - that's most likely the nicotine withdrawal. But the psychological itch sounds like the Wellbutrin. I'd contact your doctor ASAP.

[wickdzoot.livejournal.com]

This is the nicotine withdrawal coupled with the ritual withdrawal. Sometimes, I think the ritual withdrawal is worse. When I quit the last time (for five years successfully), I had the patch, and therefore was getting the nicotine, but I was totally bonkers; my friend Sherry came over one evening (we were both quitting at the same time, and she, for reasons too convoluted to go into, had a Xanax prescription). When she arrived, I was on my exercise bike, pedaling hard enough to give myself a heart attack; she walked into the kitchen, came back with a glass of water and a Xanax and made me take it.

It didn't knock me out, but I could at least sit and watch a movie.

Ultimately, changing every routine moment of the morning and evening helped, and so did a small sodalite 'stick' to fondle in the car on the way to work. However, I stopped writing for two years. ::shrug::

[laurashapiro.livejournal.com]

Sorry you're going through such ickiness. Bleh. But it does sound like all of this can be put behind you rather easily, once you taper your dose and have got used to living without nicotene. Not that me counselling you toward patience is going to help your rage any.

Still, it can be cleansing. I definitely think you should go for the kickboxing.

[dine.livejournal.com]

I'd say slamming the car door repeatedly is much better than hitting things, but getting back into kickboxing again might be best; get rid of the muscle tension and release some of the (hopefully temporary) rage. Like others have said, that's likely more the loss of smoking/rituals than the Welbutrin, which contributes to the staticky radio feeling - but the combination must be driving you around the bend. If you haven't already, talk to your doctor about what's happening, try some of the suggestions for pressure release, and be good to yourself. It will ease up, and you'll get back to yourself soon, I hope.

[sanj.livejournal.com]

Gah. Been there with the antidepressant thing -- your Wellbutrin problem sounds like some Zoloft badness I had a while back. Is the Wellbutrin specifically to quit the smoking, or is that something your doctor can change?

My brother said that when he quit he had some problems controlling anger for a while -- he said it was almost like being on too much caffeine. So I guess that's normal, at least -- if knowing that helps. Hang in, OK?

Actually....

[calystarose.livejournal.com]

Welbutrin did really bothersome things to me when I was on it. I was on it for depression, not to quit smoking, but still. I would have dreams so freaking vivid that real life faded into a grey nothingness. And it interrupted my cycle. Then again, I have a friend who used it to quit smoking and she had no problems whatsoever. ::shrug::

[eliade.livejournal.com]

I don't know why it warms and thrills me so, and makes me feel all bondy with you, when you say:

And then there's The Rage, which is on a very fragile tether and comes roaring to life at unpredictable intervals. Yesterday evening I had two bags of groceries I was trying to get out of the car, while standing in the slush, and my purse kept slipping off my shoulder and banging against things, and then one of the handles on one of the grocery bags tore loose, and I had to SLAM! THE CAR DOOR! OVER AND OVER! HARD! at least a half-dozen times, because otherwise I'd have started screaming, and maybe killing people.

I guess I'm just perverse. I have a lot of rage, too. Read this as a pick-me-up. I swear to god, I wept real tears. I laughed myself sick. {g}

::hugs::

[katallison.livejournal.com]

There's going to be a drop-in boxing class on Sunday, and I will so definitely be there. In the meantime, I am slaughtering myself on the elliptical machine and the weights. Dear *god*, am I out of shape; your workout is probably far less pitiful than mine.

[katallison.livejournal.com]

Boy, I'm hoping this doesn't go on for a few months, because it'll end in bloodshed. *g* It's good to hear that I'm not experiencing some weird anomalous reaction, anyway; thanks, Minette!

[katallison.livejournal.com]

OK, Taz, only you would come up with the Charge of the Light Brigade, which caused me to laugh so loudly my co-worker poked her head in the door. I think it's an excellent suggestion. [projecting loudly, emoting madly] "STORMED at with SHOT and SHELL -- BOLDLY they rode, and well -- Into the jaws of death -- into the MOUTH OF HELL --"

--with accompaniment by Springsteen. Yup, it works. I shall be able to refrain from killing anyone tonight.

[katallison.livejournal.com]

Good suggestion, Becky. I tried calling in, but of course she was out of the office (grrrr....) I think I may unilaterally cut back the dosage, at least for the weekend.

[katallison.livejournal.com]

Yeah -- it's the rituals/habits that are so damned hard to change. The last time I quit, all I really needed to do was to stay the hell out of the bar for several months, since that was mostly where I'd smoked. Now? I'm really, really hoping I'll still be able to write, without going out for a smoke every time I'm stuck on a sentence. We'll see how it goes this weekend, anyway.

[katallison.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Laura! And yeah, I think I should be able to get past this pretty soon. The rage is something I really ought to be able to channel in some productive direction--it's at least a source of energy, no longer bound to self-destructive habits.

Hope you're feeling better! and *god*, you were missed last weekend... {sniffle}

[katallison.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much, Dine! Yeah, I think if I cut back dosages a bit, and beat the crap out of the bag at the gym, that should carry me through until my system gets cleaned out. In any event, thanks for the kind words!

[katallison.livejournal.com]

It's weird--Zoloft didn't do *anything* like this to me. But then, reactions to antidepressants are so incredibly variable and idiosyncratic...

The Wellbutrin is just for the smoking (though I'd kind of hoped it would have some antidepressant effect for me too), and is at dosages below what would be prescribed for psychiatric purposes. I continue to be impressed with its efficacy in controlling the smoking craving, and I can only hope that the anger/rage passes soon. Too much caffeine is very much what it's like; that weird, ungrounded, jacked-up kind of chemical frenzy. Bleagh.

Thanks for the encouragement, and it was great to see you at Escapade!

[katallison.livejournal.com]

God, you know, I hadn't put the pieces together, but I've been having rather wildly freakish dreams the past week or so, which I guess I'd just assumed were somehow related to Escapade. (E.g., a most extremely erotic dream about Methos ... not that I'm *complaining* about that one, mind you ... <g>)

[katallison.livejournal.com]

That link was *wonderful*, and exactly what I needed. And yes, you're someone who I know understands about The Rage, and the weird ways that it works its way through one's body and psyche. I've mostly got my rage chained in the cellar these days (I'm well past that time of life when, for example, I tried to run over a horrible obnoxious woman in a parking ramp) (well, OK, I wasn't really trying very hard, but still). So it feels odd and a bit scary to be revisited by it. Ah well; this shall pass. Be very self-congratulatory, by the way, that you never got into cigarettes. Talk about nasty unkillable addictions...

[luminosity]

I feel your pain and rage, babe. If you noticed, I wasn't smoking at Escapade. I quit for good (I hope) in January. I still want one. I still like the smell of smoke. I realized, like you, that what I really liked was the ritual--that first drag and its immediate physical effect. I still miss it. I'm hopeless.

I wish I could do the car slamming thing, but my inability to cope erupted in bizarre crying fits over little, insignificant things--like birds in the sky, missing the trailers or having to let the cat in and out over and over and over again.

But hang in there!!

[geekturnedvamp.livejournal.com]

I think it's highly likely it's the the Wellbutrin. It made me nuts in a very similar way. (I thought I was losing my mind because this was not only happening in response to stuff I would never ordinarily get that upset about, I was having meltdowns in places like Chelsea bistros and the middle of the Criminal Courts building for no adequately explicable reason. It took me three days to figure out it was the meds, and I was only at 150 at that point, so... yeah).