(no subject)
Dec. 24th, 2003 10:04 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
katallisonAt work again. Still dead here. Except that for some reason I've got a fairly substantial amount of free-floating anxiety churning around in my head.
It's not really due to the whole Orange Alert deal (though I'm checking news updates rather more frequently than usual). Or spongiform cow brain, or any other Crisis of the Week.
Probably a lot of it is my usual holiday meltdown, in which I abruptly freak out about not having done enough, cooked enough, bought enough--I will be found wanting, everyone's Christmas will be ruined, and it will be All My Fault.
Partly, too, I'm nervous about how my dad's visit home for the Christmas Eve celebrations will go; it'll be his first time back in his own home since July, and even if nothing goes wrong with the evening itself, I fear we're in for a bad Cinderella-at-midnight interlude when the clock ticks down and he has to go back to the much-loathed nursing home.
Partly it's because I discovered yesterday that one of my favorite students, a woman who's struggled mightily against the weight of some hideous personal history to succeed in college, is again right on the brink of flunking out, and might tip over this time. I feel like it's partly my fault--I should, perhaps, have been more vehement in advising her against taking some of the more challenging classes she was determined to plunge into. (But then they're ones she would have had to take eventually, and I can't shelter her forever against the difficulties of academic life ... I dunno, I dunno ...)
And partly it's just that the campus is so unnaturally deserted and quiet. There's a weird post-apocalyptic feel to it; the hallways are empty and echoey, and the few people wandering around have an unhappy I-wish-I-were-elsewhere look in their eyes. While walking to my office from the bus, I saw a lovely colorful Christmassy-looking small finch lying dead in the middle of the sidewalk, and that was unsettling too.
(And dammit, the frickin' database is still not working, and Mr. Database Wizard is gone to South Dakota. Monday is going to be hell on wheels, I fear...)
It's not really due to the whole Orange Alert deal (though I'm checking news updates rather more frequently than usual). Or spongiform cow brain, or any other Crisis of the Week.
Probably a lot of it is my usual holiday meltdown, in which I abruptly freak out about not having done enough, cooked enough, bought enough--I will be found wanting, everyone's Christmas will be ruined, and it will be All My Fault.
Partly, too, I'm nervous about how my dad's visit home for the Christmas Eve celebrations will go; it'll be his first time back in his own home since July, and even if nothing goes wrong with the evening itself, I fear we're in for a bad Cinderella-at-midnight interlude when the clock ticks down and he has to go back to the much-loathed nursing home.
Partly it's because I discovered yesterday that one of my favorite students, a woman who's struggled mightily against the weight of some hideous personal history to succeed in college, is again right on the brink of flunking out, and might tip over this time. I feel like it's partly my fault--I should, perhaps, have been more vehement in advising her against taking some of the more challenging classes she was determined to plunge into. (But then they're ones she would have had to take eventually, and I can't shelter her forever against the difficulties of academic life ... I dunno, I dunno ...)
And partly it's just that the campus is so unnaturally deserted and quiet. There's a weird post-apocalyptic feel to it; the hallways are empty and echoey, and the few people wandering around have an unhappy I-wish-I-were-elsewhere look in their eyes. While walking to my office from the bus, I saw a lovely colorful Christmassy-looking small finch lying dead in the middle of the sidewalk, and that was unsettling too.
(And dammit, the frickin' database is still not working, and Mr. Database Wizard is gone to South Dakota. Monday is going to be hell on wheels, I fear...)
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(no subject)
Date: 2003-12-24 08:52 am (UTC)Also, you are not responsible for anyone else's good time, and only your behavior (not the amount of stuff you did or didn't do) has any bearing on them having a bad time.
Just stop worrying about what you need to do for others, and start to think about what you need to do for you. Thus sayeth the caregiver.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-12-24 09:14 am (UTC)Also, your post sounds like the beginning of a very intriguing thriller novel.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-12-24 09:21 am (UTC)Your father will be glad to be home, however long he can stay. The student may indeed flunk out, but it need not ruin her life or even her future academic experiences. Your friends and family will be glad to have you around even if you burn the roast. It's true that things aren't looking so good for the finch, but there's only so much light you can appreciate without darkness to play up the contrast.
Much love to you from this quarter.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-12-24 09:25 am (UTC)Wow -- I'd been assuming I felt that way because I'm the Jewish girl who's still (relatively) new to Christmas, but maybe it's just inherent in the overblown expectations we have of ourselves, faith notwithstanding. *g*
Hope your day improves...
(no subject)
Date: 2003-12-24 09:42 am (UTC)Take it easy on yourself. I know, I know, not possible, but... take a deep breath and try Feel safe in the knowledge, that anyway, there are many, many people who think you just rock beyond compare, in spite of your self-perceived shortcomings. I know, I'm one of 'em.
{{morehugs}} and Happy Holidays. I wish I were eating yummy Kat-Kooking instead of my mom's patented burned meatloaf. :-)
-R
Vibes of Support and Fortitude
Date: 2003-12-24 06:54 pm (UTC)