(no subject)

[katallison]

Home from my stepmother's funeral. About which I will only say, when I die, put me in a cardboard box, cremate me, toss a party where the beer flows like wine, and please please please do not have some minister give an ungrammatical and Jesus-laden eulogy which demonstrates that he never *met* me in my frickin' life. Amen.

Well, I'll add that I diverted myself by observing the vast behavioral divide between my stepsiblings (a warm, emotionally-bonding, expressive, huggy bunch) and me&brothers (poker-faced, uncomfortable-looking, given to standing around with hands in pockets, conversing quietly about comparative funeral rituals of various cultures and edging surreptitiously toward the exits). I love my stepsiblings, truly I do--they are the warm yeasty bread of humanity, they give and they bond and they connect and nurture. But I am glad I am not *of* them.

Also, a thought on pantyhose. It is brought home to me that there are women in the world--plenty of them, in fact--who wear pantyhose every frickin' workday of their lives. Which is just ... I can't even encompass it. After four hours I was ready to rip the damn things off with my *teeth.* It's like the last time I went bra-shopping (oh, man, I have a whole rant on that topic) and realized that:
(a) about 95% of all bras on the market are underwire, which means that
(b) at any moment, about 95% of the female population are wearing underwire bras.

All of which leads me to marvel yet again that women do *not*, in fact, make up the lion's share of mass, spree, or serial killers. As Fraser notes in Speranza's A Dare's a Dare (a.k.a. The Drag Story):

Instantly Fraser was tugging the dress up, over his head, and then he was pulling the bra off over his shoulders and shoving the tattered pantyhose down his legs and tugging off the low-heeled shoes. "Horrible," Fraser said with a small shudder. "I don't know how women stand it." Naked now, Fraser scratched first at his arms and then at his chest--there was a faint red line there where his bra had been. "They must have depths of strength about which we men know nothing.". Indeed.

Comments

[serialkarma.livejournal.com]

I don't think I've expressed my sympathies to you yet, so I wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss, although it sounds like it's something you've been dealing with well, which I'm glad for.

And then I had to say:

when I die, put me in a cardboard box, cremate me, toss a party where the beer flows like wine, and please please please do not have some minister give an ungrammatical and Jesus-laden eulogy which demonstrates that he never *met* me in my frickin' life. Amen.

I could not agree with you more. I've been to funerals for two of my grandfathers in the last few years, and both times (traditional Catholic and traditional Ukrainian Orthodox services), I came away with an ever stronger conviction that I would prefer to be put in a cardboard box, put in the ground, and then all my left-behind loved ones to throw a party with copious amounts of alcohol. (The best and truest part of my Catholic grandfather's funeral was the tailgating my cousin, brother, and father and I did in the funeral home parking lot.)

I'm always surprised at the number of people I know who don't understand why I'd prefer this.

[pearl-o.livejournal.com]

(a) about 95% of all bras on the market are underwire, which means that
(b) at any moment, about 95% of the female population are wearing underwire bras.

Well, not quite -- there are always the women not wearing bras at all. Whom, um, all the rest of us who need them try really really hard not to hate.

[indywind]

Or love, depending on, like, orientation & stuff.

I needed a bra beginning age 9 (actually I have less tits now than I did in jr. high, go figure), and I have never ever worn underwires. I recommend sport bras with almost religious fervor. And now they make ones that have slinky little elasticky straps that seem okay for wearing with dress clothes; of these I am an even bigger fan.

Underwire bras are Teh Eevil. Don't get me started on thongs. makesmewannadie has basically covered that topic anyway.

[debg.livejournal.com]

Oh, dear gods above, I remember my mother's funeral. For some reason, the old converted to Judiasm from Anglicanism lady had a rabbi reading the eulogy, and one who'd never met her. He had to ask us all ahead of time, to tell him some nice things about her.

He ended up telling the crowd - in a very short eulogy, showing how stymied he was - that Sally had been "a fierce woman of family."

That's what he was able to pull out of "uncomprising" "chilly" and "domineering".

I'm with you. Throw me a Finnegan's Wake, let the uisge beatha be splashed madly about, scatter my ashes out over San Francisco Bay, and maybe save a sprinkle off the Eiffel Tower.

About bras

[laurashapiro.livejournal.com]

Any woman who is small-to-medium in the chestal region should know about these (http://www.jockey.com/en-US/Catalog/ProductDetails.htm?CS_ProductID=1672&CS_Category=Soft+Cup&CS_Catalog=Women). I swear to you, they are gold. No wires, good support, flattering to the small-breasted, super-comfy, lace-free, and cotton. Last time out, I bought five.

Can't help you with the pantyhose, though.

Sorry about all this funeral-attending you've been doing. ):

[vickita.livejournal.com]

The most appalling thing I ever saw at a funeral was at a service for the wife of my former boss. She was a young woman, mid-30s, who had died suddenly from an opportunistic infection while undergoing chemotherapy for breast cancer. Her family, and especially her husband, were distraught in the extreme. It was an incredibly heartbreaking thing.

The minister (of one of the largest and most "prestigous" churches in town) persisted in calling her "Mary" all the way through the service.

The woman's name was Debbie.

[lurkergrrl.livejournal.com]

when I die, put me in a cardboard box, cremate me, toss a party where the beer flows like wine, and please please please do not have some minister give an ungrammatical and Jesus-laden eulogy which demonstrates that he never *met* me in my frickin' life. Amen.

My grandmother tried that, and put it in her will and everything (well, not the drunken revelry, but the no-frills cremation stuff). My dad and uncle basically said "too bad, Mom", and now they're putting on a big memorial service at an Episcopal church she never went to in her whole life. Hopefully, your survivors won't be like that.

[luminosity]

Having attended more than my share of funerals lately, you have all of my sympathy about all of it--from ignorant eulogies to underwire stabbing you in the chest.

It's time for this sort of shit to let up for a while.

[thisisbone.livejournal.com]

The last time I wore pantyhose was to my mother's funeral, only because it was February and I couldn't get away with bare legs, and tradition dictated a skirt. The crotch was halfway down to my knees by the end of the receiving line and I actually went to the ladies room and yanked the suckers off before going to our NC Presbyterian idea of a wake -- lunch at a bar-b-q place. :)

My favorite thing about living in Florida was the utter and complete lack of necessity to wear hose. They weren't even required for formal events -- bare legs were di riguer, and that's just how I liked it.

[indywind]

Are you still in FL? you needn't say where. I'm just curious, since it seems all the goodfanwiters live in the (relative to me) far north.

[thisisbone.livejournal.com]

Hi!

We're not in Florida anymore; we lived in Orlando for almost seven years, then moved to Memphis two years ago.

[akite.livejournal.com]

Re: The funeral thing, I'm with you all the way. At my paternal grandmother's funeral, the yahoo minister got up there and said that my grandma never complained about her illnesses. Fully half of the family that was there almost had to go outside to keep from laughing out loud. Since any of us could remember, all that old lady did was talk about what was ailing her. Same yahoo minister at my father's funeral did an alter call at the service. (An alter call, means for people to come up to the alter to be "saved".) All I can say is, tacky, tacky, tacky. So says the woman sitting here in an underwire bra, but thankfully no panty hose.

[doll-revolution.livejournal.com]

ha. obviously, you had the guy who presided over my dad's funeral. (which place did it?)

re: the cardboard box thingy (which is an option at the funeral home, you know; they have an actual carboard box for you to get burned up in)

i got into a HUGE fight with the family, saying (basically) "we're just going to burn it anyway. you KNOW G would kill us if we spent that much" but they went for the $5000 casket, which yes, we burned up

afterwards, mom says "Now, when i go, just put me in the cardboard box." and i snarled, "fuck that, bitch, you're going in the $10,000 one with the gold trim and the silk lining."

it was not a pleasant day.

[kadymae.livejournal.com]

1) I don't like hose. They rip and run. I do, however, like heavy, opaque tights. They have body and don't get all saggy the way that hose do. They last for years, too.

2) My mom actually had the cardboard box. What they do is put it inside a really fancy looking overcasket for the viewing and funeral. The only thing dad splurged on was was the urn -- a sort dark red and grey stone.

2a) I found a pair of tights to wear to mom's funeral.

3) I'm a 36 D. I find underwires the most comfortable and supporting. I also handwash all my bras to make sure that those suckers never get bent out of shape, because, yes, an underwire that's bent the wrong way is an impliment of torture.

[the-shoshanna.livejournal.com]

I suppose a benefit of not (quite, necessarily, maybe) believing in an afterlife is that I won't have to see my funeral, if it is a ghastly affair. But you know, even if your family doesn't know how to mark and mourn and honor your passing, your friends will. I've been to a couple of post-funeral gatherings, not in these cases because the funerals were bad but just because people hadn't been able to be at them, and the informality and, um, coming-together-ness were just right for the people who had died.

I'm pretty much with you on pantyhose--I once tore a pair off and stuffed it into the trash bin in the ladies' room of the Formal Place I was at--but, oddly enough, I loathed the concept of underwire bras until I actually wore one, at which point I couldn't imagine what I'd been so fussed about. They're comfy and supportive, at least so far (though I've never experienced a twisted wire, so I'll keep my nipples fingers crossed!).

Possibly more than you wanted to know about my undergarments.

[the-star-fish.livejournal.com]

True story: I have had an underwire break through its little channel and worm its way up into the middle of my cleavage, making a very interesting and embarrassing fashion statement. Sadly, I need the damn things to support me in the style to which I am accustomed.

And panty hose never ever fit me right - if they're big enough around, they're way too long from the waist to the crotch. I can usually tuck the waistband under my bra.


Also, seriously, my sincere condolences for your loss. And I got your back re: the cardboard box thing.

[byob-kenobi.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry for your loss. *hugs you*

And yes, pantyhose sucks like nothing else in the worls. I don't care how formal your work is -- wear pantsuits or somehting, dammit. Don't put yourself through that. :)

[tsamm.livejournal.com]

Condolences, Kat.

please do not have some minister give an ungrammatical and Jesus-laden eulogy which demonstrates that he never *met* me in my frickin' life. Amen.

I can still access the disbelief sheer fury I felt as my grandmother's funeral became a "repent and come to Jesus speech." Holy fuck, that was infuriating.

I remember finding tights *super* uncomfortable when I was a little girl, and pantyhose aren't much better. I am really, really glad my job does not require them of me!

[violetisblue.livejournal.com]

My sympathies, Kat, especially for the services--I have fantasies of some pagan thing out in the forest/on the beach myself, but if that's not what I get at least I won't be there to witness it.

I haven't worn pantyhose since...at least two years ago, maybe longer, and I'm in a profession with one of the most conservative dress codes known to man or woman, and I happily ditched the agonizing underwires when I stumbled over Blue Canoe. It can be done, huzzah.

[ardent-muses.livejournal.com]

I always used to say that, when I died, I wanted to be cremated and put out with the trash. However, I doubt I'll be in a position to make that decision, and I suppose it doesn't really matter -- whoever cares about me at that point should probably do whatever comforts them.

I once went to a funeral for the wife of a family friend. She was notoriously unpleasant, and the rabbi (who had clearly had a few run-ins with her himself) kept trying to get around that by saying things like, "even though F could be . . . uh, strongwilled, it is only right that we try to remember her as she was in her best and highest moments". I'm not sure whether anyone there had a clue when such moments might have happened, but we all pretended we did.

And finally, I used to wear panty hose and *heels* every single workday when I was young. God help me. Now I work in a place with a very casual dress code and I find myself pushing the envelope (on the casual end) nearly every day. Since we're speaking of mortality, let's just agree that life is too short for conventional women's clothing. *G*

[umbo.livejournal.com]

I'm really sorry for your loss, and for your having to deal with that funeral.



(how does one segue from that into talking about undergarments?)

I hate pantyhose with a passion and avoid them whenever possible. If forced to wear them, I usually go for thigh-highs, which are marginally more tolerable.

But I hardly ever wear a bra. I do own a couple miracle-bra type things that do have underwires, but they're evil and I only wear them with certain outfits that require them. I wear camisole-type cotton undershirts under my scrubs....

[flambeau.livejournal.com]

*hugs* and condolences to you.

Pantyhose = evil. I wear thigh-highs, but not very often. Used to loathe underwire bras until I got a nice expensive well-made one that actually fit...

[popfantastic.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the sort of ishy feelings I know an ill-conducted funeral can bring.

(Yes, there is no segue.) Funerals inevitably magnify the pantyhose problem, because they lead to thoughts of how much of your life is wasted hopping around in them.

[vagabondage.livejournal.com]

I have been to only one funeral that was good and nice and everything the dead person actually wanted it to be. Carlo was an old friend who died of AIDS a few years ago. We went to a non denominational church where we planted rose bushes in honor of Carlo, and all told stories. Then we went out to brunch, drank ourselves silly, stuffed our faces, and told more stories. It was wonderful.

When my dad died we found out that the cheapest way to get rid of a body (legally) is to donate it as a cadaver for medical students. In the early nineties, it only cost $600 and I think we made the arrangements through some state service.

Stay in cozy clothes all weekend and feed your soul, you deserve some down time just for yourself. Hugs and love to you, honey.

Strangers ranting on bras

[(Anonymous)]

Not that it hasn't been said, but if 95% of bras out there are underwire, where ARE those things? Like the minority above, I need underwire, I love underwire, I hate having those things swinging around by my knees, and it's like trying to find plutonium--about every fortieth bra in my size has wires, and let's not even talk about bathing suits. --Well, maybe just platinum; PLUTONIUM is a well-fitting underwire bra (or bathing suit) with great support in any color other than black and white, or, really, other than white.

But for those of you who suffer with them, maybe they're there to take your mind off the assorted discomfort and unhappineses of funerals. I too have severed my relationship with pantyhose and found that even a funeral is fine with a black pants suit.

--CC