Arrghhh

[katallison]

Dear Everyone: You want to do something nice for your family? Something really nice and sweet and helpful? Well, here's my suggestion: Even if you feel that death is far, far from you (and I most devoutly hope it is), still and all, take some time to think through, write down, and give to someone trustworthy a document outlining:
--what kind of a funeral you would like to have;
--stuff you might like to have read, chanted, printed up and handed out, or enacted by means of interpretive dance at said funeral;
--the music you would like to have played (bonus points to those who actually burn a CD containing this music, so that your survivors are not left haplessly wrestling with both their grief and recalcitrant computer technology);
--who should be notified of this event (bonus points if you include some means of contacting them, or at least a general indication of what part of the globe they might be inhabiting);
--who should act as emcee, chief officiant, or general wrangler for this event (bonus points if it is someone mentally organized who actually answers his or her *phone* once in a while).

I am currently (a) trying to burn a CD without any clear idea of exactly what music everyone wants, or how many musical interludes we're going to have; (b) trying to get the program set up in PageMaker without any clear idea of exactly who is going to be speaking, or what the reading(s) are going to be, (c) fielding calls from local newspapers about minutae of my father's professional life back in the 50s, and (d) waiting for three different people to actually check their friggin' voicemail and give me a call back so I can make progress on any of the above, or at least get the program to Kinko's perhaps more than 30 minutes before the funeral is scheduled to begin, and maybe also schedule an hour to put together the goddamned photo board that everyone wanted to have but for which nobody has as yet contributed photos. None of which would be such a problem if the other people involved would for the love of god *answer my phone calls.*

On Sunday, after the visitation, funeral, extensive socializing with people I only dimly remember, and the baked meats/heavy drinking combo, I shall stagger home, rip off the pantyhose, and crank out two substantial grant proposals for work, due on Monday, on which I made no progress this week for obvious reasons.

Escapade, take me away!!!

Comments

[renenet.livejournal.com]

I wish you *strength*!

[katallison.livejournal.com]

*gratefully grabbing all the strength I can get my hands on*

Thanks!

[qe2.livejournal.com]

::takes thorough notes::

Oh, Kat. What a mess, at the last point at which you want to have deal with anything of the kind.

Let me know if there's anything I can do. I'm certainly CD-burn-capable, and could probably manage a bit of Pagemakering...

[katallison.livejournal.com]

You are so sweet! Thanks, m'dear--what I really need is someone to go up to my brother's place and kick-start him into doing some of the stuff he's supposed to do (being as how he isn't answering his *phone*). Alas, that someone would have to be me. But if I get desperately tech-boggled with the CD-burning, I'll put out a yell. *g*

[arallara.livejournal.com]

Oh, Kat. What a week this must have been. I totally hear what you're saying. It's like, who wants to think about that stuff??? But, god, if I want anything for those I leave behind, it's that my passing be the least sucky experience for them that I can manage. And what a weird thing to think about, but it's true! Do I want them having to spend a stupid amount of time figuring out how to get the music right for my funeral? No! Of course not.

I send you many, many hugs, my friend.

Escapade!!! Two weeks!!! I can't wait to see you. ::loves Kat::

[katallison.livejournal.com]

::loving you back:: And honestly, you have had a Year of Suck next to which mine pales into insignificance. Can't wait until I get to hug you in person!

[j-bluestocking.livejournal.com]

Baby! You are like unto a sequoia in your strength and grace. And grant proposals by Monday, dear god.

You're in my thoughts, and I'll see you at Escapade.

[katallison.livejournal.com]

Listen, if there's any sequoia-resembling persons hereabouts, they'd be you. (Um, please imagine that sentence recast in some manner resembling correct grammar.) I was very glad to hear of your return to sweet, sweet liberty, by the way, though sad about the circumstances leading up to that. And I have the webpage with your house photos bookmarked, and every so often when I am fraught to the point of snapping I go and look through them, and feel soothed and renewed.

Can't wait to see you!

[norah.livejournal.com]

If there's anything I can do...in the meantime, strength and hugs!

[katallison.livejournal.com]

Truthfully, catching up on your LJ has been a source of great pleasure -- I don't know how I missed friending you for so long (well, I do know, it's because I am a disorganized idjit). And I will now go curl up in your icon, which is immensely comforting.

[planetalyx.livejournal.com]

I'm thinking of you, Kat--this is tough stuff and I hope you see the break in the clouds soon.

[katallison.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Alyx. I feel bad for not having said or done anything supportive during Kelly's medical adventures, but I was thinking of you, and sending positive vibes. And that photo of Minnow you posted the other day gave me a moment of complete happiness, in the middle of much dreck. *hug*

[cesperanza.livejournal.com]

I will say, I'm suddenly grateful for the fascism of being Catholic. You can at least go on relative autopilot at times like this; you'll get whatever Father Whoever wants to ramble about on that day, and you'll damn well like it because you'll be dead! *g*

[katallison.livejournal.com]

I *know*! This whole experience has been a life lesson in the virtues of going with The Established Ritual; going the DIY route is a pain in the ass unless you've got people who are willing to put in the spadework.

As it is, since my brothers and I, on the one hand, and my stepsiblings, on the other, have drastically different tastes/beliefs/approaches, the whole event is going to be something of a dog's breakfast; we'll have "Soave sia il vento" from Cosi fan Tutti, and then a fruity baritone self-accompanied by guitar belting out "On Eagle's Wings" ("And He will raise you up on eagles' wings, bear you on the breath of dawn, make you to shine like the sun, and hold you in the palm of His hand"). And readings from Rumi or C.J. Jung or what-the-fuck-ever, followed by a prayer my stepsister is supposedly composing, and something from Richard Rogers' "Victory at Sea," and .... Anyway. Whatever. If everyone feels like they're doing what they need or want to, I shall not carp nor bitch. As long as *somebody* does *something.*

[brynwulf]

I know there is nothing anyone can do but back you up and cheer you on!! You are a rare woman among us peons of weaklings who can deal with all that (I'm especially cringing at the grant writing...gah!).

And I too will see you in TWO WEEKS!! *hugs aplenty*

[katallison.livejournal.com]

Two weeks! Yay! (And, man, if I can live through the funeral, the grants should be a piece o' cake.)

Thanks so much!

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

Kat - I don't know if you want actual advice, but one of my occasional duties at my job is running funerals, believe it or not. I've worked with a lot of families and a lot of funeral homes. Is there a clergy person involved in this? Or a funeral home or religious institution? I ask because someone from one of those institutions should be the one organizing the service, providing the format, as well as introducing and organizing eulogists and structuring the service.

What we do where I work, as a general rule of thumb, is begin with a musical interlude (obvious) then have remarks by whoever is in charge (clergy or funeral director), followed by the first group of eulogists (generally no more than four together, unless there are only five in total). Speakers are introduced all together by group, as in, "We will now hear from John Doe, followed by Jane Doe, and then John Roe." Eulogists are asked - firmly - to restrict their remarks to five minutes. Not everyone follows that, but at least they've been given a set time.

If there are more than four or five speakers - and we know by the day of the funeral, at least - then they are split by readings or another musical interlude, so the congregation can have a respite. No piece of music is ever more than three or four minutes or people get restless.

Then the second group of eulogists speaks, followed by final remarks by the clergyperson/introducer, and final recessional music. If there is a casket present, it is taken out during the final music, followed by family and then the rest of the group.

None, or all of this may apply to your situation. But if you're not being given direction by the clergy or funeral director, they're not doing their job. You can insist they follow this, or any other format you choose, if they're not providing one of their own. Surely a funeral home will assist in making announcements from the podium and introducing speakers. They will be responsible for distributing programs, playing music and leading everyone out. I know you know all this, but I would also add that the next message you leave on the potential speakers' machines says, "You must call [name of funeral home] and ask for [name of funeral director] by [insert date and time] if you wish to speak." Otherwise you will be driven slowly crazy and the funeral may end up with 20 eulogists, which, frankly, is no good for anyone.

So. Forgive my impertinence in offering practical advice. You probably just needed to vent, and here I am, giving you a list. Ignore it, if you so desire.

Best of luck with everything. I know from experience with my dad that this is one of the hardest things to do, and not just emotionally. I'll be thinking of you.

[katallison.livejournal.com]

::hugging you mightily:: Dude, I so wish I could just teleport you in here to run things. The complications all arose from the fact that my dad was wholly a non-church person, and none of us could identify or locate anyone of a clergyman-type persuasion who was available, or seemed at all suitable, for the event, and finally in desperation I dragooned my brother into being officiant -- and he should be fine, but he's sort of a last-minute spontaneous kind of guy. The funeral director took a big step back when it became clear that nobody had any clear idea of what they wanted done, and I sort of took charge. I'm borrowing your outline to sequence the various pieces, and I have a reasonable idea of who's going to speak, and I think it'll all work out in the end. Getting enough clarity on things so I can get the program finished and printed is the only thing that's really worrying me, but thank god Kinko's is open 24/7.

And thanks again so much for your wonderfully kind and helpful and clarifying comments. You're the greatest.

[ardent-muses.livejournal.com]

How do you make something so dreadful and real into something so funny? It is a knack.

::::hugs to you:::

[katallison.livejournal.com]

*g* I figure, you gotta laugh, or else you'll start ripping people's heads off. I hug you back, and thanks for your kind words.

[codyne]

Sending you vibes of getting-through-it-all. ::vibe::

And, Escapade, yay! I hope we can get together for a drink or a quick chat or soemthing at some point.

[katallison.livejournal.com]

That would be lovely, yes! And thanks for the vibes!

[dsudis.livejournal.com]

*hugs you and sends survival-vibes*

"On Eagle's Wings" was on this tape my mom had - the St. Louis Jesuits - and weirdly qualifies as childhood comfort music even now that I've rejected the rest of it.

[katallison.livejournal.com]

It's really not that bad, but we had it at my stepmother's funeral just 2-3 weeks ago, so I fear everyone's going to be feeling like "Rerun time!" But I just couldn't think of anything else that was in this guy's repertoire, and he was sort of wished on me, so ...

And thanks for the good vibes. I hope you're having a lovely weekend of wallowing in (*richly* well-deserved) adoration for the story!

[lapillus]

{{{}}}

This is making me think that postponed memorial services are definitely the way to go. That and prior organization.

[katallison.livejournal.com]

*nodnodnod* I really sort of wanted the postponed memorial service, but got outvoted on that one. It would most emphatically help if *someone* involved in this had any gift for organization; but then, I tell myself, years from now it'll make a funny story.

[dine.livejournal.com]

*hugs Kat*

you have a knack for finding the funny in the darkest sad moments - this is a hard time for you and your family; I wish I were closer and could help in some real way.

but, I'll gladly buy you a drink (or several) at Escapade - it sounds like you're in dire need of the escape.

[katallison.livejournal.com]

Thanks, sweetie. I know you've been going through some trying times yourself, and like you, I'm so humbled and grateful for the way my friends have rallied round with the support. (And tipping a glass together at Escapade sounds lovely!)

[jacquez.livejournal.com]

Oh, good pete.

I have only this to offer: in times of frustration, throw things against the wall. Footwear makes such a satisfying thud, especially old boots.

[katallison.livejournal.com]

*g* I've had a couple of interludes of going out and SLAMMING the car door really really HARD over and OVER. The neighbors doubtless think I'm deranged.

[cereta.livejournal.com]

{{hugs}}

[katallison.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Lucy! {{hugging you back}} (And I hope the bump on your head is entirely better!)

[bluster.livejournal.com]

It's been said often and it's been said better, but you are certainly in my thoughts. I can't imagine having to be organized after the loss of a loved one, although in all honesty organization isn't my strong point at the best of times. Big {{{hugs}}} to you and and here's hoping your brother picks up the phone soon.

[katallison.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much, m'dear! And my brother did finally call back (at 11:30 p.m., when I was in the depths of deep bourbon-soaked slumber--I *think* he said he'd call back this morning. I hope so, anyway. *g*).

[kestrelsan.livejournal.com]

I'm so totally impressed with everything you're managing to do. Hang in there, and my best wishes and condolences go with you.

And hey--Escapade! I'll be there, too! Can't wait to see you.

[katallison.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Kest. And yay for Escapade!! (*making frantic yearning gestures in the direction of the airport and ESCAPE*)

[luminosity]

I know it's all so very awful and exhausting, but sometimes you just have to kick back, drink that bottle of wine and laugh.

Thinking of you, honey.

[katallison.livejournal.com]

Though the kicking-back hasn't happened so much yet, there was indeed drinking of the bottle of wine, and actually quite a bit of laughter. Because you are correct, sometimes you just have to. (This morning there is also something of the cradling of the temples and gulping of aspirin, but that too is part of Life's Grand Pageant, I guess.)

And I wish to god I was going to see you in the near future, but I'll keep looking toward Vividcon.

[sinensiss.livejournal.com]

I'm counting the days to Escapade myself, without anything like your motivation; I'm looking forward to seeing you. In the meantime, may your phone calls be answered and your pantyhose not be too binding. {{hugs}}

[katallison.livejournal.com]

Thanks, and I'm really looking forward to seeing you! (And I may just decide *screw* the pantyhose and wear discreet black trousers instead. Tomorrow's going to be trying enough without having to keep groping furtively at my thighs.)

[jackiekjono.livejournal.com]

Shatner. I want Shatner to officiate at my funeral.

Instead of a sermon, the preist could just play a tape of "Wear Sunscreen."

It would be lovely if during the eulogy someone could mention my Olympic gold medals and my Pulitzer.

I would really appreciate it if someone could hire a very good looking actor to cry and weep and throw himself on my coffin. If my ex-boyfriend shows up, I want him to think I've been getting some.

There should be plenty of appropriate music on my Korla Pandit CD. If not, "Devil Woman" by Marty Robbins is a good song. It could sound very dirgelike played on the organ at the Basilica.

Also - If there is anything I can do to help, let me know.

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

Is it wrong to want to metaquote your response to a post about a funeral?

[falzalot.livejournal.com]

Oh man, Kat. {{{hugs!}}}

And here I was thinking everything was all set because I finally got my parents to do a living trust and get the, er, final arrangements all sorted. I totally forgot about this kind of thing!

[katallison.livejournal.com]

And, see, what I'm kicking myself about is that we all had plenty of time to try to hammer this out with my dad -- it's not like his demise was unexpected, or anything. But it's really hard to open the topic with people, or to think about it for oneself. Big kudos to you for getting the living trust squared away in advance--you'll thank yourself mightily for this, down the road.

[flambeau.livejournal.com]

*love and hugs*

[katallison.livejournal.com]

*hugging you back tightly, and trying not to cough bronchial germs all over you*

sends...

[yonmei.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
*strength*
*organisational skills*
*one kick up the backside to be applied to person of your choice*

Re: sends...

[katallison.livejournal.com]

Thanks, yonmei, and I shall make use of each of these! *g*

[umbo.livejournal.com]

Sending lots of love and hugs and strength your way, and thanks for posting this, because it really is true, and maybe I'll actually do something about it now.

*even more hugs and love*

[katallison.livejournal.com]

I loved reading your entry this morning, and you're right, it's enormously helpful to be situated within a spiritual tradition that really means something to one and provides rituals for such occasions. (Even if the tradition and rituals aren't necessarily shared by one's family members.)

I send you big hugs back, and hope that the settling-in process is moving smoothly!