(no subject)

[katallison]

I was going to type up a big State of the Me post, but instead I think I'll just do the highly condensed version, the moral of which is Life Lessons--Add 'Em to the Death and Taxes List. And also, in life as in baseball, You Don't Know Nothing--or perhaps more accurately, to quote the Firesign Theatre, Everything You Know is Wrong.

If anyone had asked me at any point in, oh, my entire life up until now, what kind of person I am, my descriptions would have definitely included "very introverted" and "fond of dealing with abstractions and hypotheticals." And if I'd been asked how I felt about having a job where I was entirely on my own and working solo, day after day, on some pretty abstract and hypothetical stuff, I would have jumped up and down and clapped my little hands in glee.

So what a surprise it was when, a few months after starting just such a job, I nosedived into the worst depression I've had in a while, and (after some therapy and much cogitation) realized that I could attribute this nosedive to the fact that working day after day in very isolated conditions on very non-tangible projects was making me bugfuck.

You know what I figured out? I actually need people around me when I work, cool congenial smart relaxed funny people, such as I had in my beloved former job. And I need structure, tangible tasks, some clear sense of desired outcomes, and a significant amount of reality-basedness in what I do at work. Surprised the hell out me, I tell you what.

So--I am going to need to start hunting for a new job. The chief problem there is that I'm still gripped with the deep desire to relocate Pacific-NW-wards, but Mr. P. is (as far as I know, not that we've TALKED about this stuff since the last horrible convo two years ago) still really, really not wanting to relocate anywhere at all. Which means I'm back where I was two years ago, trying to decide which of us I want to make unhappy. And feeling some time pressure, since there's an opening out there that would be a really good fit for me and that closes next week, so if I'm going to send an application out, I need to get on it, like, *now*. Which means I need to have that fucking conversation with P. once again. Which, you know, better a root canal without anaesthesia. Arrggh.

Anyway, I've pretty much motored my way out of depresso-land now, and am modestly pleased, all in all, to discover that I can indeed let go of old beliefs about self and world, and start noticing how things actually are, when I'm repeatedly clubbed over the head by reality. Teachable after all, I guess. (*g*)

Comments

[umbo.livejournal.com]

It's good to figure things out about yourself, even if it's painful, right? I'm sorry you've been having a rough time. It's good to hear from you, as always, and I wish you luck on both the job search and the conversation with P.

*hugs*

[katallison.livejournal.com]

Thanks, m'dear; hugs back to you, and many congrats on reaching the end of the semester with your sanity intact, and I'm sending best wishes and positive vibes for your interview tomorrow!

[heresluck]

Wow -- that *is* a big unexpected realization. I'm glad you figured it out!

As for job stuff... I think you ought to send out that job application. Right now. I mean, it's entirely possible that you might not get the job, or that you might get it and decide (for any of a dozen reasons) not to take it, but if the job is a good fit for you in a part of the country where you want to be? I think it's unfair to yourself to arbitrarily cut off the option of pursuing it.

And yeah, the conversation with P. might be horrible. Such is life. But you mentioned a while back that he's had some workplace changes of his own, right? Which might render him more sympathetic to the need for job change generally, and more receptive to the relocation plan specifically.

In any event, if you're needing a break, you should feel free to come spend a weekend with the cool congenial smart relaxed funny people out in my neck of the woods. I figure we could make some good food, open a bottle or two of good wine, watch some TV and/or vids, and generally chill out and goof around. The guest room's at your disposal whenever you'd like!

[katallison.livejournal.com]

*g* You know, I was thinking just this morning that a trip out to your part of the world would be fun, once you're through with grading. So thank you so much for the kind invite, and the overall intelligent supportiveness! And I'm going to at least get my resume updated this weekend (not that I can find a copy of my current job description from which to crib language, drat it...).

[katallison.livejournal.com]

Oh, and gold star for highly apropos user icon. (*g*)

[heresluck]

I thought so too. *g* (plus: grey!) The text is from one of my favorite songs ever, to which I've been known to listen obsessively when struggling with tough decisions. This is how I justify buying so many CDs: still cheaper than therapy! Heh.

As for visiting -- commencement is next Saturday, and after that my schedule is entirely flexible until mid-June, so I'm at your disposal whenever; consult your calendar and let me know which weekend(s) would be good for you. I should even have wireless set up soon, which means that in addition to social time we can have quiet to-each-woman-her-internet time. *g*

[planetalyx.livejournal.com]

Ouch. I hate those conversations. Hate, hate, hate.

I am glad you're out of depresso land, of course, and hope you find a great job somewhere soon.

[katallison.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the good wishes, Alyx -- I wish to god there was some way, ANY other way, around this situation other than just (eeep) talking about it. Ah well. Character-buildling and all that, I guess.

[planetalyx.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I hear you. (And if you find that way, I'll buy your patented method, or volunteer for human trials!) Good luck!

[arallara.livejournal.com]

Yay for being teachable! *g*

Well, you know where I stand on all this. *g* Truly, you are a grown-up, and you get to work this out however you need to. But! If you think maybe you need something to force the issue, I recommend that you apply for the job and see what happens! In any case, I'll be thinking good things for you, my dear. {{{hugs}}}

[katallison.livejournal.com]

Thanks, sweetie! (*hugging you back*) And I apologize for not replying to your e-mail; it came when I was not in real good shape. How did things go with your dad's dr. appt?

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

Though obviously there are a lot of things unanswered for you at this moment, I'm happy to hear you're out of the depression. I guess it's true that anxiety is better than depression -- anxiety, whether over relocating, jobs or whatever, can sometimes be dealt with by taking action. So I wish you the best with your exploration of jobs and locations...though I desperately wish you craved the EAST coast as much as the Pacific Northwest!

[katallison.livejournal.com]

Agree with you re: anxiety > depression. Man, I just hate the paralysis of depression so very, very much; at least now I'm in motion again. And I really am a bit mystified by this draw to the PNW, because I'd always figured if I ended up moving anywhere it would be to the east. The inside of my head is often a total mystery to me.

[tsamm.livejournal.com]

It's really great to have figured it all out. I hate that such realizations usually require time to occur; then, you're always all "OMG HOW DID I NOT SEE." Such is life. Anyway, I hope that you have good luck finding a job that will be more congenial to you.

[katallison.livejournal.com]

The nice thing is that one can pretty much trust life to sooner or later administer the appropriate head-thwack, and to repeat the process if one doesn't get the clue the first time around. (*g*) Thanks for the kind words and good wishes!

[laurashapiro.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad you updated. I've been worried about you.

Congratulations on figuring out what's been going on. Knowing yourself is *hard*. But it sounds like you're ready to fix the situation. Figuring it out and making a plan -- no wonder you're feeling better. It always helps.

It does suck to be back where you were two years ago with Mr. P. and the moving thing, though. Ugh. I wish I had some advice to offer you. If you want to call and talk about it, I'm here for you.

[katallison.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much, you lovely person. (*snugs you*) And yeah, this wasn't where I wanted to be, yet AGAIN, but I think I have a better grip on some stuff this time around (and a pretty good therapist, which helps).

[anoel.livejournal.com]

Well at least you figured that out. I'm sorry you've been feeling so down. I'm introverted myself and yet I know what you mean about liking to be around people in a workplace. I would try for the job, that way there's no regrets. Good luck with the conversation with P.! Better to just get it over with even if its hard. I really hope things go well for you!

[katallison.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much for the kind and supportive words! And yeah, I think you're right; there's no real downside to at least turning an application in.

[the-shoshanna.livejournal.com]

Argh, I'm so sorry to hear about the depression, and so glad that it has led to you figuring stuff out, at least. I agree with heresluck: apply for the job regardless, because you should not deny yourself the option. The conversation with P might suck -- or it might not suck as much as you fear, if perhaps things have changed for him in the last two years -- but by no means do you have to have it before sending in the application.

I have my fingers crossed for your happiness, whatever form or location it may take!

[katallison.livejournal.com]

It's a difficult thing to know how to time; I guess I do feel like I have to let him know if I'm applying for jobs elsewhere -- I already feel deceptive enough for contemplating moving w/o talking it over with him. There may not be an opportunity to do so this week, though, and I think I do need to at least get an application in (positions at a level that meshes with where I am now professionally don't come along often).

Anyway, one step at a time. And thank you so much for your wise and supportive words!

[dine.livejournal.com]

boy, that's a major realization - good on you for learning something so big about yourself! now comes the fun part, getting to where you belong. and where you belong is happy.

I'd say apply for the job - nothing says you have to take the position if they offer it, but why invite regrets if you don't. and then of course there's the big conversation looming - but hopefully P. will be more receptive to the notion of change; I'm crossing fingers for you.

[katallison.livejournal.com]

I think you're right that I need to go ahead and get an application in; it doesn't commit me to anything, I guess. And thanks for your kind words!

[darthrami.livejournal.com]

*huuuuuuuugs*

It's so hard to see these things in ourselves, sometimes.

[katallison.livejournal.com]

Why so hard? (*whimpers*) I mean, I thought I was smart and stuff!

(And I hug you back!)

[elynross.livejournal.com]

So, "huh!" to your new, hard-earned self-understanding. I'm also someone who loves the theoretical and abstract, and I'm very interior, in-my-headish, but one of the things I think that I like about my job is that it's very concrete, for the most part, with very tangible results. It helps to keep me grounded, I think, because while hypothetical theoretical vagueness is lots of fun in my head, trying to do that as work would, I think, also drive me bugfuck, because it's a frustrating thing to do day-in, day-out, as required.

...but Mr. P. is (as far as I know, not that we've TALKED about this stuff since the last horrible convo two years ago) still really, really not wanting to relocate anywhere at all. Which means I'm back where I was two years ago, trying to decide which of us I want to make unhappy.

I don't mean to presume, but the fact that you describe it as "which of us I want to make unhappy" doesn't seem to assume that you'll be unhappy both ways, but that you'll be unhappy if you stay, and he'll be unhappy if you go. While I'm sure you care for him dearly, it strikes me as telling that you do speak as if staying is where you'll be the one made unhappy.

[hetrez.livejournal.com]

I'm glad that, now you've figured this out about yourself, you're not as sad with your current situation as you were. Whatever happens in the future, and I wish you luck in working out your situation, it's good that you're okay with what's happening now.

[china_shop]

Late to the party, but:

*HUGS!* I hope the conversation went/goes well!