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[personal profile] katallison
In the middle of typing my previous entry, the phone rang, and it was [livejournal.com profile] tazlet phoning from Baltimore, and we talked a while about anxiety, prairie dogs, monkeypox, work, aging, and the importance of finding one's true home, one's place of predilection.

After we hung up, I had a vivid sensory flashback, to a day when ... I must have been somewhere between six and ten, so it would have been in the late 50s or early 60s. My family was taking one of our regular car trips from Minnesota down to Kansas, to visit grandparents, and it was before the days of the interstate, so we were driving on two-lane blacktop. It was the height of midsummer, and we'd stopped to gas the car, somewhere in the middle of Iowa.

I remember the burning heat of the sun beating down, the suffocating humidity. (There was really no air-conditioning much of anywhere, in those days.) I remember the little two-pump gas station, in the middle of nowhere. I remember the billowing corn fields stretching out endlessly in all directions. I remember the smells of gasoline and manure, and the thick green smell of the burgeoning corn, and how the hot soft asphalt would yield, softly, under one's feet. I remember there were grasshoppers all over the place, jumping listlessly around on the blacktop. I remember going over to the ancient soft-drink machine--it was one of those ones built like a chest freezer, with a heavy lid you had to push up, and then you had to scan the metal caps on the bottles of pop contained therein, grab the one you wanted, and navigate it down the cast-iron channel to the spot where you could pull it up, through the iron jaws (temporarily released by the coins you'd dropped in), and then you'd pop the cap off with the opener built into the side of the machine. I can't remember what exactly I got--it might have been an Orange Crush, or an RC Cola, or maybe a grape soda...

Nowadays all you do is drop the coins in, push a button, and your bottle or can is delivered to you, in the out-bin, with a rattle and clunk--but in those days you had to work for it. The bliss of something cold and wet and sweet was a reward for toil, and a blessing, a moment of grace, in the unending heat and dust and glare of a midwestern summer.

I remember standing, in the heat and the smells of gasoline and manure, sipping my pop, somehow knowing (a brief flash of adult awareness) that this time would pass away, telling myself remember this.

And then we got back into the car--the old '54 Rambler station wagon. My mother would spread out a blanket in the back, and pillows, so that hours later, when it finally got dark, my two brothers and I could lie down and sleep, side by side, with the miles humming past, the darkened cornfields sliding by, my parents in the front conducting muted adult-type arguments, smoking cigarettes, the stars huge and hovering outside the windows, the smells of corn and manure and dust thick in the night air.

For all that I struggle against it sometimes, the midwest is my home, my place of predilection. The cornfields and wheatfields, the tornadoes and blizzards, the little river towns and the lonely country roads, the blazing heat and the freezing cold. I think if I had to live with less than a thousand miles of mostly-empty land on all sides of me, I might start to get claustrophobic after a while. I suppose it's a good thing to know where one belongs, as resentful as one might be about the knowledge.

(no subject)

Date: 2003-06-19 08:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] umbo.livejournal.com
That was purely lovely, and brought back many a memory of family trips for me as well. I really love where I live now (except for the heat, and the lack of a fall, and the lack of a winter ;-)), but I still miss the midwest, miss being somewhere where people don't look at me funny when I ask them about what kind of pop they like to drink :-)

Homesick...

Date: 2003-06-19 08:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sociofemme.livejournal.com
That was beautiful. But it made me really homesick.
I partly grew up in a small town (pop. 82) in Illinois on the Iowa border, right across from a grain elevator.

My grandad would wake up really early on Saturday mornings and take me with him to the diner. It hadn't been redecorated since probably the 1920s, and neither had the inhabitants. I would get a donut and coffee that looked suspiciously like milk and I'd sit while this bunch of farmers talked about things I didn't understand: auctions and corn and soy. On the way home, although it terrified my mom, he'd let me ride in the back of the truck.

He died when I was about nine, and those are the strongest memories I have of him. It's so strongly tied up with my memories of the grain elevator (he was foreman in addition to being a farmer: it was a cooperative) and the Midwest, whenever I hear descriptions of Iowa summer, all I can think of is him.

Okay, now that I sound like a sad country song...

(no subject)

Date: 2003-06-19 08:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] caille.livejournal.com
Kat, I'm right there with you, in terms of both time and place. It brings back memories of clouds massing in the southwest, and a thunderstorm - maybe a tornado! - on the way. In spring, when the last raggedy patches of dun-colored snow melted....worm weather. Earthworms, big, little, fat, skinny: they took over the sidewalks, all creepy and natural, and, unfortunately, the weapon of choice for the mean boys at school.

Winter was black and white and the flash of red tail-lights from disappearing cars.

But I don't belong there. I think if I belong anywhere, it's here, on the west coast, in northern California, not too far from the cold, fierce Pacific, with the wind, heat, fog. The mid-west isn't home any more. Hasn't been for a long time.

I love how connected you are to the mid-west landscape. It's my place of misfortune, not predilection. But I still remember a lot, and it's all made more vivid by what you've written. In a good way.

(no subject)

Date: 2003-06-19 09:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tracy-rowan.livejournal.com
Oh yes. I remember it that way, too. Backroads, trips that took several hours by car then, take maybe half an hour now by expressway, but lack the feel of travelling from city to country or back again. I miss those backroads of the Midwest. Riding up to the top of a hill with the anticipation of that giddy drop of your stomach as you swooped down the other side. Spending the whole day swimming and laying out on the pier, the whole night sitting on the porch, listening to the crickets and playing cards. Nights so dark that once the lights were put out, you couldn't see your hand in front of your face.

Summers in a place where the next lot over was a wheat or cornfield. Where lunch was radishes and carrots still warm from the ground and washed under the hose. Where the dirt roads were oiled to keep the dust down. Winters always snowy, and autumns filled with the scent of burning leaves.

Thanks for reminding me.

(no subject)

Date: 2003-06-19 09:56 pm (UTC)
codyne: my old refrigerator (cool)
From: [personal profile] codyne
I'm not from the midwest, but my mom is, and I remember childhood trips back to Minnesota to visit her family that were very similar to yours. I think you and I are nearly the same age. We may have even passed each other on the road at some point. :)

Summer memories

Date: 2003-06-19 10:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] namastenancy.livejournal.com
Oh Kat - how beautifully written and how evocative. I envy you your sense of home. I was a Navy kid (OK -brat!) and we never spent more than a year in one place. I was always the new kid in school, the odd person out - feelings that I think have stayed with me throughout my life. Maybe that's why I cling to San Francisco. In spite of the high cost of living here and my crappy jobs, I've managed to live here for 35 years and it's the only place that feels like home.

namaste SF Nancy

(no subject)

Date: 2003-06-19 11:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] yonmei.livejournal.com
Alien memories... I love your writing!

(no subject)

Date: 2003-06-20 07:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] planetalyx.livejournal.com
Mmm, lovely and evocative and delicious. I was never quite old enough to wrestle the pop bottle out myself, so Dad had to do it for me... and then those machines were gone. Their pop was always colder than current pop machines', or that's how I remember it.

I got to write a story for a prairie fiction anthology awhile ago, one of a series I did about places I lived. Prairie dogs (or as we called 'em in Alberta, gophers) played a prominent role.

(no subject)

Date: 2003-06-20 07:14 am (UTC)
ext_1895: (Default)
From: [identity profile] lunaris1013.livejournal.com
It took over a year of being in NY for me to realize that I'm a Midwesterner and that I'll never *ever* be anything else. After two years I *still* have to stop and remember to say "soda" lest I be given odd looks and poorly hidden snickers. "Pop" is a dirty word here, I'm afraid.

When I was small, my dad owned one of those little stations - back when they offered actual service. A garage, two Texaco pumps, and a chest full of 8oz bottles ready to be pulled free of their chilly prisons. He always made sure there was Chocola in there for me.

I can't wait to go home again.

(no subject)

Date: 2003-06-20 10:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] eliade.livejournal.com
I love you. :)

(no subject)

Date: 2003-06-20 01:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bluster.livejournal.com
Reading this took me back to my own childhood and my memories of place. I had to drive "into town" today and I caught myself considering how much the corn has grown in the past week and how the rain is a good thing. In my formative years it was wheat, and even though I see nothing but corn now my fondest memories are of traveling in western Kansas and watching the wind whip the wheat about. I swear you could see the curvature of the earth and while many would think of it as being desolate I always thought it was beautiful. Corn doesn't hold the same charm for me, but there is still the sense of wide open space.

My mom has often said that when she goes to the mountains she gets claustrophobic and wants to get out onto open land. I understand that and feel the same way. The prairie has made up a large part of who I am and as much as I want to sometimes be anywhere but here I'm not sure I'd be truly at home anywhere else.

(no subject)

Date: 2003-06-20 03:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thepouncer.livejournal.com
So wonderful. I'm from Virginia, and my grandparents lived in the Blue Ridge. You made me recall the little gas station/general store on the road up the mountain to their farm perched on the side of the slope.

It would have been the late '70s, but I feel like we were both in the same store. The floors were wood and dusty and the small stock of shelves held a few staples. There was a chest of cold drinks towards the back and my sister and I would get chocolate Yoohoo and sugary bubble gum to enjoy on the drive back up the mountain.

Your love of the plains is similar to my love of forested mountains. I feel wrong anywhere else.

Thanks for bringing that instant of childhood back for me.

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