(no subject)
Jul. 29th, 2003 06:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
katallisonOK, the Crankiness Meter is to up about eleven here at Chez Kat, and I'm really sorry to blow off steam which should be aimed elsewhere in the direction of my lovely and blameless friends, but...
1) To my dad: Yes, I know you hate it in the nursing home. You've made that very clear, and I sure as hell don't blame you, because god knows I'd hate it there myself. I totally get that you want to go home. You know what you have to do to make that happen? You have to get with the program, do your physical therapy, start actually eating some meals, and above all you have to learn how to manage your ileostomy bag, the emptying and cleaning thereof. Yes, it's disgusting. Yes, it's depressing. No, it's not fair. But you know something? Going home means you're not going to have staff on call 24/7 to take care of that for you. My stepmother, who is still on massive immunosuppressants from her lung transplant, is no way going to handle that for you, and has been strictly forbidden from doing so by her doctor for very good reasons. And do not for a minute start thinking that I am going to jaunt up there a half-dozen times a day to do it for you. Sorry 'bout that; maybe if you'd had a better draw in the Dutiful Daughter sweepstakes you'd have gotten luckier, but as it is, you're just going to have to (literally) take care of your own shit. Until you figure that out, the nursing home is where you're gonna be.
2) Also? If you want me to come and pick you up and take you to your doctor appointments, that's fine, seriously, not a problem, glad to help; but the one thing I would ask is that you suck it up and tell my stepmother the reason you want me doing it instead of her is because she has never been on time for an appointment in her life and you need to be to your doctor appointments on time. Do not leave me to try to come up with fifty-seven lame-ass excuses for why I'm picking you up instead of her.
3) To my stepmother: I like you, really I do, you're a grand person and you have my respect. That said--just because I'm off work right now does not really mean I want to spend two hours a day on the phone with you listening to all the details of my stepbrother's bathroom remodeling and your granddaughter's unfortunate choice of friends, and especially I don't need two hours of day of tongue-clicking about my father's various crazymaking behaviors, because hello? I've known the the guy for fifty years now, I know just how crazymaking he can be, and hey, you're the one who married him, and you went into the situation knowing what you were getting. Also? If what he's doing is driving you nuts, maybe you need to communicate that to him, instead of thinking that I can somehow wave the magic wand and make him start acting rationally because sister, if there were any magic wands to be had in this situation, I'd've been waving them decades ago.
4) To my brothers: OK, yes, I know the unwritten family rule is that The Women Do All The Emotional/Caretaking Heavy Lifting, and yes, you will fill in when directly asked--but honest to god, would it kill you to every once in a while take the initiative here, instead of me having to leave voicemail all over hell to let you know exactly when and what and where is required?
5) To myself: Self, you know what? Quit the pity party, because you know damn well there are people reading these words at this moment who are coping with far more difficult and depressing familial situations without all the whining. You are incredibly lucky, you have your health, you have your own place, you have your own money, you have vacation time so you can actually take care of all this crap without endangering your job. So you feel like you can't concentrate on your silly-ass writing with all these interruptions, well boo fucking hoo, cry me a river. Jane Austen wrote all her books in a public sitting room with people coming and going and yapping at her, you can grind out a few more paragraphs of lame-ass crap in between the phone calls and the nursing-home visits. Suck it up and deal.
Whew. Yes, OK, feeling better now, and apologies again, all around. Sanity returning, and <bowing to
![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif){kind=small}
popfantastic> Jamaican bobsledding mindset being attained.![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-29 05:27 pm (UTC)*hugs you*
*sends pirates with cutlasses and rum*
(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-29 05:43 pm (UTC)Thanks so much--and yeah, it's the loop nature of the thing that's so infuriating; the realization that people are the way they are, and things that were frustrating as hell about them thirty/forty years ago aren't likely to get any less frustrating with time. More so, if anything.
Wish I could teleport up to Vancouver and beg a massage from you. *g* And I hope all's well with you, and all your great life adventures.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-29 05:34 pm (UTC)I can trust you to take it from there, can't I?
Soon with the thing--promise!
(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-29 05:46 pm (UTC)Lovely, yes, and thanks so much!
(And whenever with the thing--I've been feeling guilty about that, I didn't realize how insanely busy you were when I sent it to you...)
(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-29 05:35 pm (UTC)Many, many hugs. You're doing a difficult and brave thing. You get to complain once in a while. It's fine.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-29 05:49 pm (UTC)I just wish sometimes I could say all this stuff to the actual people involved; but it's very nice to know that my friends will allow me to rant, and will extend kindnesses. And vanilla-ice-cream-and-rum.
(And I'll see you in a couple more weeks! Wheee!!!)
(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-29 06:09 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-30 05:35 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-29 06:21 pm (UTC)*more hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-30 05:39 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-29 06:25 pm (UTC)You could also think of Methos with paint on his nose, an image that's given me great comfort in the past hour or so since I saw the episode Chivalry again.
*hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-30 05:40 am (UTC)Oooh, that helps a great deal, yes. Thanks so much for that, and for the kind words!
(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-29 06:30 pm (UTC)And everyone else is passing you rum, but I'm going to bring over some vodka on iceiceice, and we can watch Joe make a dick of himself while Methos sniggers from the sidelines and we get legless.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-30 05:42 am (UTC)Thanks, Carla, you're a total gem. This made me giggle madly, which is always a helpful thing.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-29 06:30 pm (UTC)they are okay.
I'll hug you today!
Please watch my spines.
...um. slinking away now.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-30 05:45 am (UTC)I adore your spines, by the way. They kinda remind me of RayK's hair, when he's in a feisty mood.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-29 06:33 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-30 05:49 am (UTC)there is no way to be...
Date: 2003-07-29 06:40 pm (UTC)As for your dad...if you haven't, you may want to lay it on the line for him just as you did here. sometimes a little frank (if not brutal) establishment of the facts is the only thing that does work.
In the meantime, I offer a virtual foot massage, a little reggae, and a smashing rum punch to transport you to the islands, mahn.
(And seriously, in this situation, a little self-pity really is often the reality check you need and deserve.)
(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-30 05:52 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-29 07:53 pm (UTC)I don't generally keep rum, but I do have a lovely single malt scotch and some more {{{hugs}}}
(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-30 05:54 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-29 08:07 pm (UTC)Hoping that your situation and your folks' health improves soon.
A friendly lurker, Kitty.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-30 05:55 am (UTC)(And hey, if you'd like an LJ code, just let me know, I've got some extras.)
(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-30 05:04 pm (UTC)How does it work, what should I do, who should I contact? I know there are paid accounts which I'd be happy to enrol for though I guess I'd be better off sucking and seeing, initially at least?
My e-mail is PLKNGTNJ@AOL.COM and I'd love to hear from you when you have the time.
I'm sorry I got all excited and selfish there for a minute and forgot what a tough time you've been having, I hope today is better.
Kitty
(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-29 08:55 pm (UTC)I hope the frustration meter comes back down soon.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-30 05:57 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-30 06:37 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-29 09:07 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-30 06:03 am (UTC)::nodding:: This really hits home for me; it's how I think about my on-line community of friends, and I just feel incredibly lucky to have found all you people. I tend to be pretty reclusive in RL, so god knows *what* I'd be doing for my sanity check if it weren't for the internet.
And anytime you need support, just say the word. I don't know how in the world I missed getting you on my friends list prior to this (well, I do know--because I am an eeeedjit), but that's been rectified, and I've been greatly enjoying reading back through your entries.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-29 09:59 pm (UTC)You are holding up better than can be expected. I'm sorry you have to keep rousting those brothers into action -- but keep doing it!
::sending you good brainwaves with my tinfoil hat::
(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-30 06:07 am (UTC)::nodnodnod:: You speak great truth here, and it's one of the batshit-crazymaking things, that there's probably no way my dad is actually going to grow up and start coping at 81, not when he's always been able to manouevre everyone else into taking care of him.
I must say that one of my great consolations during this week of aggravation has been the leisurely and delighted perusal of your new story. I'm taking it in savorous little bites to draw it out longer, but will finish soon (which, drat it, means you must write me more! fast! *g*), and will send you comments.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-30 11:14 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-29 10:44 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-30 06:12 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-30 08:34 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-30 04:25 am (UTC)And comparing what you're going through to what any other one of us is dealing with is a case of apples and oranges. Your life is your life; it's what shapes your emotional wellbeing. Don't beat yourself up further for actually having the strong feelings that your situation creates in you, eh?
Hang in. Thinking of you. Wish I could help, and all that jazz.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-30 06:13 am (UTC)Hope the settling-back-in post-vacation is going well!
(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-30 04:03 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-31 05:09 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-31 10:40 pm (UTC)Don't be so harsh on yourself. Familes get you in the gut; they got to you before you could speak and there is nothing wrong with anything of what you are feeling. It's natural and it's so hard to speak openly to them about what they are demanding of us, what it costs in time and energy and ..well..you know.
Try to set up some limits. Otherwise they will take over your life and your life is too valuable to give up to the dying (even if they are family).
namaste SF Nancy