(no subject)

[katallison]

Feeling very remote lately, very inert, with (again) a big stack of e-mail I need to answer, and no oomph for doing so. I think last week at work temporarily fried my human-interaction capacitor. I feel sour, like one of those poor riding-school nags that's had a few too many kids kicking it in the ribs and jerking on the reins.

Am also feeling thoroughly helpless in the face of the Christmas Juggernaut careening toward me; must do shopping for people, but am devoid of ideas about what to get anyone. Well, I did order one present for P., at his request (which makes me feel sort of cheesy) -- the complete Hayden string quartets, as recorded by the Angeles Quartet. Of course, he already has one or two other sets of the complete Hayden string quartets, but god forbid one should be without all possible recordings. This completist bent, the collector impetus, is something I just don't get, but whatever. I will only add that Hayden wrote a boatload of string quartets (translation: $120 worth, on CD).

I also need to go out this weekend and get a tree, taking advantage of the spell of surreal warmth we're currently enjoying. (One old family tradition that I am trying not to honor in my adulthood is that of going to get the tree on the coldest day of December.) This feels like a daunting prospect, especially because it also means I'll have to shovel out the crap that is piled in the corner of the living room where the tree goes, and I barely have the energy these days to carry my dirty dishes to the sink and dump them, let alone jam a seven-foot balsam into the back of my car, lug it into the house, and get it more or less upright in the infuriating tree-stand.

Man, I used to be uber-Christmas-Woman, back in my twenties and thirties, with the baking, and the presents, and the music, and the lights strung all over everywhere. The whole thing just seems exhausting to me now, but still, attention must be paid, at least the minimal rituals must be enacted, or -- the terrorists will have won, I guess, or something.

The annoying thing is that I know perfectly well that the only cure for this unpleasant state of sour burned-outness is doing something--being active, making connection, as impossible as the prospect might seem. Sitting in front of the computer for two hours numbly playing Blasterball isn't going to help a damn thing.

Comments

Stuff

[kassrachel.livejournal.com]

I feel sour, like one of those poor riding-school nags that's had a few too many kids kicking it in the ribs and jerking on the reins.

Okay, I realize that in moments of depressed frustration, metaphor may not be the foremost thing on your mind, but I have to tell you, that image is tremendous. Hang on to that line; it's got to go in something someday.

God, the Christmas juggernaut. Man, do I hear you. E and I have largely learned to avoid the how-do-I-know-what-you-want issue by providing each other (and his family) with Christmas wish lists; but the whole potlatch nature of the holiday still makes me uncomfortable, especially as I wrangle with changed finances. (And if you really want to get me started, ask me what I'm doing for his birthday in January -- one of those ones which ends in "0" -- and I will panic for hours, because wouldn't a good partner know what to get for such a birthday?)

Christmas: feh. Baking cookies can be pleasing, though, especially if one can then share them with someone whose company one ejoys...

Re: Stuff

[katallison.livejournal.com]

E and I have largely learned to avoid the how-do-I-know-what-you-want issue by providing each other (and his family) with Christmas wish lists; but the whole potlatch nature of the holiday still makes me uncomfortable, especially as I wrangle with changed finances. (And if you really want to get me started, ask me what I'm doing for his birthday in January -- one of those ones which ends in "0" -- and I will panic for hours, because wouldn't a good partner know what to get for such a birthday?)

Oh god, yes. I suck at buying presents, so I'm generally grateful when people supply me with lists of suggestions, but then you get to this point where you just feel like a stock clerk filling the order, and it's not that I really *mind* that, just that I wish I was one of those people with a gift for buying presents (which, of course, entails a certain amount of focused intuitive attention to what people are saying and doing the other 11 months of the year--one of those realizations that just makes me feel like a big insensitive lout generally, at which point I just throw my hands up). Arrgh.

Glad you liked the line, though ::g::. I meant to get "spavined" in there somewhere too; that's just a cool word.

[arallara.livejournal.com]

but still, attention must be paid, at least the minimal rituals must be enacted, or -- the terrorists will have won, I guess, or something.

Heh. *g*

I hear you about the Christmas thing. It turns out I don't get to go home this year because of the new job, which SUCKS mightily in various ways. One way in which it does not suck, however, is the way in which I no longer have to buy presents for anyone in my family. *g* That's sort of how it works with us--everyone who is going to be there gets presents for everyone else who is going to be there (no "secret Santa" deals or anything), but if you're not there, you don't give or receive presents. For the most part. I bet my mom sends me something, but that's my mom. *g*

However, I used to do the giant baking marathons with packages mailed out and treats brought to work and given to friends, etc., etc.. And I looked at the calendar yesterday and realized, oh shit, Christmas is in two weeks. Oops. *g* So I figure, fuck it, people can live without my lemon cream cheese cookies.

Don't pressure yourself too much, my dear! My reaction to self-pressure is to sink into a state of paralysis in which I am only capable of doing things much like your two hour Blasterball sessions. Boy, do I relate to that. For me, it's more likely to be reading crappy fic because it's all that's left to read, or watching crappy tv. But it's just as paralysis-perpetuating and brain-numbing.

Anyway, I wish you good, relaxed vibes for the next few weeks. And, hey, what, the world's going to come to an end if you don't get your tree up right now? Nah. Be nice to yourself, Kat, dearie. {{{hugs}}}

[katallison.livejournal.com]

Aw, Aral! So sorry about the not getting to go home -- that is indeed sucky, even though it releases you from the gift-exchange deal. Hope you at least are able to get together with some friends. And please give me a call if you start feeling forlorn and all alone in the world (you have my number, right?) I'm working on the relaxing thing; fortunately, the semester is almost over, and I'll be able to sneak in some sorely-needed off time during semester break, hurrah.

[tsamm.livejournal.com]

Sitting in front of the computer for two hours numbly playing Blasterball isn't going to help a damn thing.

But Kat, already your mention of the word Blasterball has made me giggle, so who's to say that it can't do some good in the world? *g*

Really, though--I hope the worn-thin feeling dissipates.

[katallison.livejournal.com]

Hey, if I made you giggle, my work here is done! Blasterball is actually a really cool game; a pity it's also so remorselessly addictive.

Thanks for the kind words, and hey, hang in there with the health club thing! Just picture how cool it'll be when you're all lithe and buff, and can pick up a 20-lb bag of cat litter one-armed, laughing in the face of the condescending pimply little grocery-store teenager. I mean, OK, given that none of us is likely to have occasion to ass-kick supervillians on a daily basis, the small heroics of everyday life can still be gratifying. ::g::

[rowanfairchild.livejournal.com]

Ah, Kat. Christmas thwapped me upside the head this year too. Fortunately, we've got a pine tree in the front yard we can just throw some twinkly lights on and call good.

I suggest a viewing of "Gift of the Wheelman" as an Rx. If Bob Fraser in that hat doesn't do it, I don't know what will.

{{hugs}}

-R

[katallison.livejournal.com]

Ooh, good suggestion! [digging through wildy disorganized tape collection]

And {{hugs}} back atcha, kid. My friends are just the coolest people.