Aarrrggghhhhh

[katallison]

The fact that I've been quiet here the past week does not mean it's been a quiet week in Lake Wobegon. The inside of my head has been like a monkey cage, in fact, largely because on Friday a friend forwarded me a job opening that's -- well, it's Kat's Ideal Job, or as close as we're likely to get to such in this flawed cosmos. So ever since then I've been in a frenzy of resume-polishing and cover-letter-re-re-editing and stomach-churning dither. Because if by some fluke I were to get this job, it would mean uprooting my entire life and moving it halfway across the country, which is something I've been sort of toying with mentally for a while but hadn't actually come to grips with. And I'm really trying not to let myself get my hopes up because, even though on paper I've got all their essential and desired qualifications more than covered, I've also got the Inner Voice of Anxiety assuring me that at least seventy uber-qualified candidates are also applying, and all of them are younger and smarter than me and have more coherent work histories and better interview suits. And also the Voice of Depression is murmuring quietly, kindly, "You know you don't really deserve this. You know that what you want doesn't matter."

And then there's the whole issue of P., to whom I haven't yet mentioned this, and what it would mean for our relationship if I did get it. And then I start freaking about holy jesus how would I move my poor feeble senile cat across country? And then again with the You're not going to get it anyway, fool, so just shaddup.

So, basically I'm just dithering, and chewing my nails up to the wrist. None of this is aided by the fact that things at work have been highly stressful, due to malign internal-politics crap which isn't landing on me directly but is grinding up one of my most beloved colleagues. At this very minute I'm supposed to be making a kugel to bring to the office holiday potluck, but I really don't even want to go, because there are certain people I'd just as soon not see right now. (Why a kugel? I hear you ask, and it's because the theme for this potluck was "Bring a food item that starts with the same letter as your name." I had a brief evil moment of pondering a kohlrabi-kielbasa casserole, but relented.)

Anyway. I certainly won't hear anything back about the job until after Christmas, and, given the season, probably not until after New Year's, so I need to just settle the fuck down and resume coping with real life. I did buy my tree on Saturday, and got it in the stand, but haven't yet decorated it, so I need to do that tonight before P. comes over. I've ground out a few more paragraphs of story, but I really need to bear down, fix my eyes firmly on the finish line, and rally for the final push. I have a raft of work projects that need focused attention. I need to slap some duct tape over the mouths of both Anxiety and Depression, and get my head out of la-la-land and back in the game.

Comments

Duct tape

[kassrachel.livejournal.com]

Duct tape can cover a multitude of sins. :-) Good luck tying Anxiety and Depression into a silvery duct-taped bundle and leaving them in the basement to bash their heads against the wall.

I don't know the details of your professional qualifications, but I feel certain that you'd be splendid at any job you chose to take on. I'll keep my fingers crossed and think happy thoughts. The cat will survive the move, should such a move happen. So will your relationships -- the really important ones can exist independent of place.

I had a brief evil moment of pondering a kohlrabi-kielbasa casserole, but relented.

Wouldn't that be a kolhrabi-kielbasa kasserole? ;-)

Kasserole. Hee. Now that I've typed the word, I find it far too amusing. Better go drink some more tea.

Re: Duct tape

[katallison.livejournal.com]

You could start a little cottage food industry, or something--"Kass's Kasseroles." Or maybe just "Kass-eroles" would be better. Heh.

Thanks for the kind words and crossed digits!

[popfantastic.livejournal.com]

My extremities are crossed for you about the job prospect. I hope VoD and VoA understand the concept of a holiday vacation and let you take a break from the nastier variety of anticipation.

And there's nothing wrong with kugel!

[katallison.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much, Nia! The kugel ended up not actually getting made, but as it turned out we had masses of food, so I escaped social obloquy. I still have the ingredients, so I'll probably do it for my family get-together, or something.

[rhi]

{{hugs}} Having just been smacked by that exact reality (getting a move when I'd been toying with the idea for years) I really *do* sympathize. I went stark raving nuts while packing, stressed over what the move was doing to my two cats who thought a long drive was the five minutes to the vet, and now I'm staring around going, 'Holy shit, someplace *hotter* than Memphis? I've lost my mind.' But you know? This is *the* least stressful holiday season I've ever had in my life. If only for that, I love it. Now I just have to work on getting the next move to go someplace cooler without ending up in a ten-foot snowbank....

All of which is to say, sometimes the Fates have a sense of humor that make the Three Stooges look sophisticated. Hang in there, though; a lot of us are rooting for you. Here's hoping the job and move aspects work out for the best for you, whatever that best might be.

[halimede.livejournal.com]

sometimes the Fates have a sense of humor that make the Three Stooges look sophisticated.

gryphonri, would you mind if I added the above to my .sig file collection (attributed as you wish)?
I love how you put that!

Re: sig line

[rhi]

Sure, run with it. It's a variant on a comment in Barbara Hambly's _Dog Wizard_. Something to the effect of 'Sure God has a sense of humor, but I've seen more sophisticated ones in some bars I've been to.'

Re: sig line

[halimede.livejournal.com]

Thank you kindly! :)

[katallison.livejournal.com]

sometimes the Fates have a sense of humor that make the Three Stooges look sophisticated.

*Oh* yes. Really glad your move turned out successfully, by the way. And thanks for the kind and encouraging words!

Pass the duct tape!

[lunaris1013.livejournal.com]

I can absolutely relate. Those same two voices keep nagging me about my decision to move back to Chicago. I must be insane, they tell me, because it's hard enough finding a job in my field (non-profit development) when the economy is good. And what makes me think I can even attempt to apply for anything in graphic design when I have no formal training?

I keep kicking them and telling them to shut the fuck up, but I think the duct tape idea is even better.

Re: Pass the duct tape!

[katallison.livejournal.com]

I think I might have been channelling that scene from Buffy last night, when Xander slaps some duct tape over Andrew's mouth.

As for the graphic design, well, anyone who's seen the pages you've designed for people's LJs know you've got the talent, and having a kickass portfolio can make up for some shortage of formal credentialling, I would hope. In any case, *go you*, and let me know if you need me to pass the tape.

[umbo.livejournal.com]

Sorry life has been so stressful, but I'm really happy about the job possibility. Can you try to just let those negative thoughts enter and then leave your mind? I keep thinking about our dharma discussion this week, where we talked about replacing the non-beneficial thoughts with beneficial ones, like replacing rotten pegs with new ones.

Congrats on the tree (yay Christmas tree!), and congrats on surviving the internal politics bullshit parade, and cool that you're making a kugel!

*hugs*

[katallison.livejournal.com]

Thanks, shell! And I do think of you often when I need to try to keep at least a feeble grip on what little zennishness I've managed to acquire. Have been doing a *lot* of deep breathing lately (and not all of it accompanied by cigarette smoke, which is a step up).

[luminosity]

Hang in there and quit obsessing. You're talented, brilliant and you deserve it. You'd be an asset wherever you worked, and if you're doing what your heart desires, or close to it, you'll only get better at it. I think the real bugaboo might be relationship choices. Sigh. Your cat will get over it (speaking from the experience of driving from CA to the east coast with 3 cats in tow, the eldest 9 years old.)

My tree has had lights on it for 6 days and the box of ornaments sitting next to it, so I sympathize. :)

I think the duct tape idea is solid, and I'll be thinking positive thoughts for you.

[katallison.livejournal.com]

Yeah, the relationship stuff has me a wee bit nervous, especially since my ingrained habit pattern is not to tell the other party about important stuff until way too late in the process, when it's essentially a done deal. I realize this is Not Healthy, but . . .

Anyway, big gratitude to you for the generous words. Hope your new capture card is working well, and looking forward to more vids! Vids, dammit!

[destina.livejournal.com]

Well - I don't know about the better interview suits, but those youngsters better get the hell outta your way. Because, articulate: check! Talented: check! Sooooo smart: check! Best candidate for the job: was there any doubt? Not in my mind. I'll think all sorts of good thoughts for you. :-)

[arallara.livejournal.com]

Because if by some fluke I were to get this job, it would mean uprooting my entire life and moving it halfway across the country, which is something I've been sort of toying with mentally for a while but hadn't actually come to grips with.

Well, I will say this. I am a big believer in the possibility of reinvention.

Also, selfishly, this move would put you somewhere near where I'll probably be living at some point, right? And that's a very pleasant thought indeed. :)

and all of them are younger and smarter than me and have more coherent work histories and better interview suits

Heh, and I'll also say this: applying for jobs SUCKS. Some of them may be younger, and that sure is a dumb and fucked up kind of disadvantage to have, but I REALLY highly doubt they're smarter. :)

Also, if you really want this job, you have that working for you. Let yourself argue for it, you know?

Because what's the very worst that can happen? You stay there, don't move your cat, continue the way you are with P, and still have a job. And that's not so terrible. Right?

God, sorry if my cheerleading is annoying the fuck out of you. *g* I just think it sometimes works out really well to go for the things that feel really right. Things have a way of working themselves out. Argh. Now I sound like a self-help book, and I annoy myself. *g*

I'm supposed to be making a kugel to bring to the office holiday potluck

I have to get a "secret snowflake" gift for someone. I don't mind too, too much because I like giving people presents, but the socially obligatory participation in holiday rituals is annoying.

I had a brief evil moment of pondering a kohlrabi-kielbasa casserole, but relented

Oh, Kat, I love you. *g*

Good luck with the writing, try to treat yourself right, and I'll talk to you soon!