Ringing out, ringing in
Dec. 31st, 2003 06:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
katallisonIt's weird, but this is the first NY Eve I'll be spending alone in -- golly, a decade or so. P. always comes over on NYE and we have a happy evening of good food and champagne and trying to stay awake until midnight, but this year he's got pneumonia, poor sweetie, and I prevailed on him to stay the hell home and rest and recuperate.
So here I am by myself, waiting for the odometer to click over, and doing a little thinking back on the year.
Overall Theme, As Expressed Cheesily in Song Lyrics: You can't always get what you want. A year ago right now, I was convinced, hell-bent, that by this time I'd be relocated to the Pacific NW. I went so far as to fly out for job interviews, look at apartments, etc. This didn't end up happening, for various complex reasons both external and internal, and a whole lot of this year has been about coming to terms with compromise, limitations, half-a-loaf, making do. I still can be brought to tears at times by yearning for this mythical alterna-life I imagine for myself, out there in the foggy Northwest; but in fact I'm still here on the god-bless-it tundra, still living in the same little house and going to the same job. My whims and wishes do not always prevail, and I am learning to cope with this.
Overall Theme, subtextual: I'm a grown-up now. This seems apposite for the year in which I turned 50. The somewhat tepid and adult-like compensation for not attaining my dreams of flight and transformation has been the sudden blooming of professional opportunities right here in my own backyard, possibilities that might make it easier to (someday a bit down the road) ease into the life I really want. They're not perfect but they're real, attainable; and they entail moving a bit beyond the slacker/detached/this-gun-for-hire persona that I've always fronted with in my work life. I have a chance now to dig in, attach, get involved, engage all my abilities, and make a difference. This is both oddly intriguing and scary as hell.
Writing Achievement: No question, finishing End of the Road, which I often thought would never get the hell finished. A huge chunk of credit for this goes to my betas, but most especially![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
laurashapiro.
Most Insanely Grandiose Writing Fantasy: "Well, hey, if I finished that thing, the next big long ginormous novel ought to be easy! Because, hell, I know how to do this writing-long-stuff now, right? Right??" Ah hah hah hah. Hah. Um.
Pleasantest Writing Discovery: Flashfiction. As in, it *is* actually possible for me to just jam something out in a day or two and post it and have it be OK. Also? Vecchio. Although I don't know if *pleasant* is exactly the word--intriguing, maybe. Provocative. Annoying as all hell.
Pleasantest Fannish Experience: The reblooming of dS fandom as a whole thing, not two armed encampments glaring at each other and firing off grenades across the battleground. The influx of wonderful new writers/fans who don't give a shit about the Ray Wars, or which characters they're supposed to like and not like. Also, special mention to_aerye_ writing and posting stories that give me bone-deep delight.
Biggest Stress of the Year: Trying to hold on to my political zen, my conviction that the Great Wheel always turns, to remember the bleak doomed desperation I felt after Nixon was elected and re-elected, after Reagan was elected and re-elected, and to tell myself we're all still here, the world keeps turning, this too shall pass. The effort to keep my faith in this country, which I love unreasonably, and its people, this immense and profoundly diverse contentious assortment of humanity, in whose basic decency I have to trust, because -- um, the alternative is unthinkable.
Ways in Which I Continue to Disappoint Myself: My continuing neglect of, or active damage to, my physical health. My failure to be a better daughter to my poor old dad. My frequent interludes of withdrawal to the Cave of Non-Responsiveness, in which I neglect e-mail and LJ comments. My inability to finish more long significant pieces of writing. My failure to be a better friend to the people I do really love, or at least like a whole lot. My continuing procrastination, sloth, and disorganization.
Ways in Which I Pleasantly Surprised Myself, or Life Pleasantly Surprised Me: My willingness to take on new challenges at work and handle them in a way that makes things work better and makes people happier and more effective. My ability to hang in there with my dad, even though I'm not doing thing perfectly. The realization that even though I am a giant friend-neglecting jerk at times, people still seem to care about me. The fact that the stuff I write, even when it falls far short of what I want, still seems to connect with people.
Hopes for the Coming Year: That the political Wheel-Turning for which I hope will come sooner rather than later. That I'll finish the next novel-in-progress and clear a thing or two out of my WIP folder. That I get the promotion. That I will be a better friend. That something catastrophic does not befall LJ, or my flight to LA for Escapade. That I will begin to treat my aging body with the respect and sympathy and camaraderie that it deserves (because neither of us, frankly, is getting any younger).
A very happy New Year's to all of you, wherever you are, and best wishes that your 2004 may be--if not a billowy bed of ease and bliss--at least filled with interesting challenges, and the possibility of growth and change. Which, really, is all we can ever hope for.
So here I am by myself, waiting for the odometer to click over, and doing a little thinking back on the year.
Overall Theme, As Expressed Cheesily in Song Lyrics: You can't always get what you want. A year ago right now, I was convinced, hell-bent, that by this time I'd be relocated to the Pacific NW. I went so far as to fly out for job interviews, look at apartments, etc. This didn't end up happening, for various complex reasons both external and internal, and a whole lot of this year has been about coming to terms with compromise, limitations, half-a-loaf, making do. I still can be brought to tears at times by yearning for this mythical alterna-life I imagine for myself, out there in the foggy Northwest; but in fact I'm still here on the god-bless-it tundra, still living in the same little house and going to the same job. My whims and wishes do not always prevail, and I am learning to cope with this.
Overall Theme, subtextual: I'm a grown-up now. This seems apposite for the year in which I turned 50. The somewhat tepid and adult-like compensation for not attaining my dreams of flight and transformation has been the sudden blooming of professional opportunities right here in my own backyard, possibilities that might make it easier to (someday a bit down the road) ease into the life I really want. They're not perfect but they're real, attainable; and they entail moving a bit beyond the slacker/detached/this-gun-for-hire persona that I've always fronted with in my work life. I have a chance now to dig in, attach, get involved, engage all my abilities, and make a difference. This is both oddly intriguing and scary as hell.
Writing Achievement: No question, finishing End of the Road, which I often thought would never get the hell finished. A huge chunk of credit for this goes to my betas, but most especially
laurashapiro.Most Insanely Grandiose Writing Fantasy: "Well, hey, if I finished that thing, the next big long ginormous novel ought to be easy! Because, hell, I know how to do this writing-long-stuff now, right? Right??" Ah hah hah hah. Hah. Um.
Pleasantest Writing Discovery: Flashfiction. As in, it *is* actually possible for me to just jam something out in a day or two and post it and have it be OK. Also? Vecchio. Although I don't know if *pleasant* is exactly the word--intriguing, maybe. Provocative. Annoying as all hell.
Pleasantest Fannish Experience: The reblooming of dS fandom as a whole thing, not two armed encampments glaring at each other and firing off grenades across the battleground. The influx of wonderful new writers/fans who don't give a shit about the Ray Wars, or which characters they're supposed to like and not like. Also, special mention to
_aerye_ writing and posting stories that give me bone-deep delight.Biggest Stress of the Year: Trying to hold on to my political zen, my conviction that the Great Wheel always turns, to remember the bleak doomed desperation I felt after Nixon was elected and re-elected, after Reagan was elected and re-elected, and to tell myself we're all still here, the world keeps turning, this too shall pass. The effort to keep my faith in this country, which I love unreasonably, and its people, this immense and profoundly diverse contentious assortment of humanity, in whose basic decency I have to trust, because -- um, the alternative is unthinkable.
Ways in Which I Continue to Disappoint Myself: My continuing neglect of, or active damage to, my physical health. My failure to be a better daughter to my poor old dad. My frequent interludes of withdrawal to the Cave of Non-Responsiveness, in which I neglect e-mail and LJ comments. My inability to finish more long significant pieces of writing. My failure to be a better friend to the people I do really love, or at least like a whole lot. My continuing procrastination, sloth, and disorganization.
Ways in Which I Pleasantly Surprised Myself, or Life Pleasantly Surprised Me: My willingness to take on new challenges at work and handle them in a way that makes things work better and makes people happier and more effective. My ability to hang in there with my dad, even though I'm not doing thing perfectly. The realization that even though I am a giant friend-neglecting jerk at times, people still seem to care about me. The fact that the stuff I write, even when it falls far short of what I want, still seems to connect with people.
Hopes for the Coming Year: That the political Wheel-Turning for which I hope will come sooner rather than later. That I'll finish the next novel-in-progress and clear a thing or two out of my WIP folder. That I get the promotion. That I will be a better friend. That something catastrophic does not befall LJ, or my flight to LA for Escapade. That I will begin to treat my aging body with the respect and sympathy and camaraderie that it deserves (because neither of us, frankly, is getting any younger).
A very happy New Year's to all of you, wherever you are, and best wishes that your 2004 may be--if not a billowy bed of ease and bliss--at least filled with interesting challenges, and the possibility of growth and change. Which, really, is all we can ever hope for.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2003-12-31 05:53 pm (UTC)This is as good a time as any to say what I hope you already know, Beth--that you're an unending source of joy and delight in my life, and every minute I've been lucky enough to spend in your company is golden. I just wish there were more of such minutes, drat it! ::cursing the inconveniences of geography, distance, etc.::
(no subject)
Date: 2003-12-31 05:58 pm (UTC)You *are* coming to ConneXions this year, aren't you???