(no subject)

[katallison]

So, tomorrow morning, get up way early, get to airport, board plane, fly to Escapade, have fun. Easy peasy, I tell myself, safe as houses.

Except. I'm having a rather worse than usual case of my pre-travel freakout, in which I visualize with great clarity the plane crash (smoldering heaps of twisted metal, my pathetic little bits of luggage scattered amongst the rubble), or the car crash (the swerve, the skid, through the guardrail, down the mountainside, bam bam KABOOM). I try to sublimate this in low-grade wibbling over mundane stuff like losing my wallet, or missing my flight, or whatever, but really, forget that crap, the travel-angst is all about death. Which is, of course, the ultimate destination we're all travelling toward, as soon as we emerge from the safety of house/womb.

And, of course, it might just possibly be that the worse-than-usualness of the freakout is related to the fact that two members of my family have died in the past month, and payment of the emotional bill on all that is just starting to come due. Dunno. Or it could be -- well, some other mortality-related crap that's going on, with the recounting of which I shall not weary my patient readers, but anyone who gets me drunk at Escapade will likely get an earful. (This does not involve my own personal mortality, I should perhaps add.)

I'll just say that *god* only knows why I thought this was a good time to reread Dira's That Good Night, which is an excellent and deeply disturbing piece of dS fiction, and, for all its excellence, not the best thing to read on a night when one can feel the raven's wings flapping around one's head.

OK. Ahem. The agenda is: peaceful flight, pleasant drive up the coast, Escapade, have fun. Have fun. Fun shall be had, dammit.

And now I should probably go throw a few things into a suitcase, since I must roll out the door at 6:45 a.m.

Comments

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

We are going to have a GREAT time. I will see you tomorrow, in Ventura, hale and hearty and ready to get stinking drunk enjoy the company and the weather!

[katallison.livejournal.com]

Yes! And thank you for your icon, which reminds me that if I feel the wibbles creeeping on, I shall simply think of BobbyHobbes! And all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

BOBBYHOBBES!

[luminosity]

You know, I completely understand and empathize. We had a string of deaths all in a row, as I'm sure you know, and I've been *so* aware of my own mortality--and everybody else's now. A day doesn't go by that I don't consider my own demise and what I'm going to leave behind, how much I want to do, how much is undone, how little time (no matter that it could actually be decades) I have left. It's unnerving and macabre, and it seems to be totally out of my control.

I tell myself the things you say. I remind myself that I'm here NOW and I'm healthy, and no mishaps shall befall me, and then I'm okay. Until the next time I'm blindsided by thoughts of death. It's so very weird.

And now that I've freaked you out, have a great trip. I wish I were going, and I'm going to miss y'all, and God! It's six months till Vividcon!! [wails]

[katallison.livejournal.com]

It *is* strange, how one sometimes falls into these death-bespelled interludes in life, when you start going around in a permanent hunch, waiting for the next blow to fall. And, as you say, with a weird undercurrent of impending doom in the middle of one's most mundane activities.

I am so damn sad I won't be seeing you this weekend -- the reg desk will be an empty mockery without you! -- but honest to god, Vividcon will be upon us before we can turn around three times. And in the meantime, be well, I raise a flowing glass in your honor, and may a camel grow in the belly of your annoying neighbor.

[pearl-o.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry I won't get to see you at Escapade this year -- I hope your freakout fades and you have a great time.

[katallison.livejournal.com]

*makes sad and pathetic pawing motions in the direction of Oregon, snivelling piteously*

Getting to meet you was one of the highlights of last year's con, and I really hope you can make it next time around!

[planetalyx.livejournal.com]

I go through this process when I fly, of stressing-in-advance. It helps me to get through the flight without utterly collapsing. And I used to think the advance stressing--not to mention the nightmares, complete with flashbacks to the crash I actually witnessed--were really kinda dumb.

But once we flew to Alberta on no notice, when K's dad was suddenly seriously ill. The flight there we were all in a daze and my sister-in-law the pilot was telling me interesting things about turbulence and I got through okay. On the way back, after a weekend of hospitals and soothing other people who were in huge distress, our flight got delayed, and jerked around. Soon it turned out we were hopping to Calgary before catching a puddle-jumper back to Vancouver.

That first leg was a disastrous flight in every Alyx way. I'd had a drink to calm down, forgetting that alcohol just makes me feel whatever I already was, only more so. And the plane's engine noise kept changing, which is the thing that makes me most insane.

I spent most of the flight wimpering in unmistakeable terror. Humiliating! And the stewardess was sitting right across the aisle from me.

There was one tiny moment when I thought I'd finally calmed down. Then I noticed the stewardess (air hostess?) looking at me with barely concealed contempt. I looked down and saw that while my upper body was calm, my feet were running away as fast as they could carry me. Of course, they weren't actually touching the plane floor; it was like being Wile E. Coyote, trying to run on the air after he's sprinted over a cliff.

Anyway. Long story long, my point is this: I realized two things after that. One, the stressing-before-the-flight serves a psychological purpose, for me, anyway. Two, I am a mess when I fly if my emotional resources have already been tapped.

These little factoids seemed worth relating to you when I started this comment. Perhaps I probably should just have offered these. You won't die en route to the Con. And you will have an excellent time at Escapade.

[katallison.livejournal.com]

And the plane's engine noise kept changing, which is the thing that makes me most insane.

Oh GOD, I hate this. Along with the sound of the wheels going up and down, and the times when you can feel the plane *slowing down* (which feels so very wrong). It took me a lot of flights to get used to all this.

Your trip to Alberta sounds like pure hell, and big congrats to you for not only making it through, but gleaning some excellent life wisdom therefrom.

(And hey [sudden topic swerve] -- despite the travel-wibbles, I'm formulating plans for a trip out to Seattle and Vancouver sometime in late April/early May, and it would be lovely to meet up with you and Kelly and Miz the Spike. I'll keep you posted as plans gel.)

SQUEE! OMG OMG!!

[planetalyx.livejournal.com]

I would LOVE to meet you.

[jackiekjono.livejournal.com]

Listen to Dale & Jim Ed in the morning. They make everything better. : )

[j-bluestocking.livejournal.com]

Damn, you're probably in bed now. I don't know if I'll make it to Escapade, but even if I do, I haven't booked a hotel room. (I live just an hour away.) So I'm not sure how we can link up (and I would like to do that) -- you can't leave a message in my room, or anything.

And even if I miss Friday and Saturday, if I'm feeling better on Sunday I might drive up just to see people. But if I show up just vaguely thinking I'll walk around and see who I run into, I might not run into anyone I know.

Argh, I say to you.

[laurashapiro.livejournal.com]

I love you, and you will *not* die this weekend, and I will miss you a lot.

[ardent-muses.livejournal.com]

Wish I'd caught you before bed, but will post on the offchance you'll read this in the a.m.

I know what you're talking about and I've been told that it is a direct result of a major death in the family -- it's normal to feel extremely vulnerable for a while. I'm waiting for that to subside. *G*

I'm flying tomorrow too, for work, and not crazy about it.

Wishing you a peaceful and safe and worryfree trip. ::hugs::

[mimesere.livejournal.com]

*pounces you*

Yay! I get to see a Miss Kat! Yay! I am the luckiest girl *ever*.

And you shall have fun! You shall. I may attempt to kidnap you at some point because there's this show about paranoiac british vampire hunters who have lives that are at once utterly ridiculous and also sad in the inevitability of their fucked uppedness that I want to show you. With cuddles.

It's like that time I made you watch sparkly boys dance! only with less dancing and much less glitter. And no chaps.

Mostly I'm hyper right now and also terribly terribly excited to see you, because Getting To See Kat is one of the highlights of my fannish year.

[arallara.livejournal.com]

You are already gone and may not even see this before I see you, but this freakout makes complete sense, and you will be *fine*, and I cannot *wait* to hang out with you, and you *will* arrive safely, and many, many people are looking forward to spending time having *big fun* with you! ::loves on Kat some more::

[tinyfroglet.livejournal.com]

Safe travels. May the anti-anxiety gods bless you with sweet relaxation and pleasant encounters.